《老友记》中英文对照剧本(第一季) 本文简介：
101TheOneWhereMonicaGetsaNewRoommate101TheOneWhereMonicaGetsaNewRoommate(ThePilot-TheUncutVersion)[Scene:CentralPerk,Chandler,Joey,Phoebe,andMonicaare
《老友记》中英文对照剧本(第一季) 本文内容：
101
The
One
Where
Monica
Gets
a
New
Roommate
101
The
One
Where
Monica
Gets
a
New
Roommate
(The
Pilot-The
Uncut
Version)
[Scene:
Central
Perk,
Chandler,
Joey,
Phoebe,
and
Monica
are
there.]
Monica:
There"s
nothing
to
tell!
He"s
just
some
guy
I
work
with!
Joey:
Come
on,
you"re
going
out
with
the
guy!
There"s
gotta
be
something
wrong
with
him!
Chandler:
All
right
Joey,
be
nice.?
So
does
he
have
a
hump?
A
hump
and
a
hairpiece?
Phoebe:
Wait,
does
he
eat
chalk?
(They
all
stare,
bemused.)
Phoebe:
Just,
"cause,
I
don"t
want
her
to
go
through
what
I
went
through
with
Carl-
oh!
Monica:
Okay,
everybody
relax.
This
is
not
even
a
date.
It"s
just
two
people
going
out
to
dinner
and-
not
having
sex.
Chandler:
Sounds
like
a
date
to
me.
[Time
Lapse]
Chandler:
Alright,
so
I"m
back
in
high
school,
I"m
standing
in
the
middle
of
the
cafeteria,
and
I
realize
I
am
totally
naked.
All:
Oh,
yeah.
Had
that
dream.
Chandler:
Then
I
look
down,
and
I
realize
there"s
a
phone...
there.
Joey:
Instead
of...?
Chandler:
That"s
right.
Joey:
Never
had
that
dream.
Phoebe:
No.
Chandler:
All
of
a
sudden,
the
phone
starts
to
ring.
Now
I
don"t
know
what
to
do,
everybody
starts
looking
at
me.
Monica:
And
they
weren"t
looking
at
you
before?!
Chandler:
Finally,
I
figure
I"d
better
answer
it,
and
it
turns
out
it"s
my
mother,
which
is
very-very
weird,
because-
she
never
calls
me!
[Time
Lapse,
Ross
has
entered.]
Ross:
(mortified)
Hi.
Joey:
This
guy
says
hello,
I
wanna
kill
myself.
Monica:
Are
you
okay,
sweetie?
Ross:
I
just
feel
like
someone
reached
down
my
throat,
grabbed
my
small
intestine,
pulled
it
out
of
my
mouth
and
tied
it
around
my
neck...
Chandler:
Cookie?
Monica:
(explaining
to
the
others)
Carol
moved
her
stuff
out
today.
Joey:
Ohh.
Monica:
(to
Ross)
Let
me
get
you
some
coffee.
Ross:
Thanks.
Phoebe:
Ooh!
Oh!
(She
starts
to
pluck
at
the
air
just
in
front
of
Ross.)
Ross:
No,
no
don"t!
Stop
cleansing
my
aura!
No,
just
leave
my
aura
alone,
okay?
Phoebe:
Fine!?
Be
murky!
Ross:
I"ll
be
fine,
alright?
Really,
everyone.
I
hope
she"ll
be
very
happy.
Monica:
No
you
don"t.
Ross:
No
I
don"t,
to
hell
with
her,
she
left
me!
Joey:
And
you
never
knew
she
was
a
lesbian...
Ross:
No!!
Okay?!
Why
does
everyone
keep
fixating
on
that?
She
didn"t
know,
how
should
I
know?
Chandler:
Sometimes
I
wish
I
was
a
lesbian...
(They
all
stare
at
him.)
Did
I
say
that
out
loud?
Ross:
I
told
mom
and
dad
last
night,
they
seemed
to
take
it
pretty
well.
Monica:
Oh
really,
so
that
hysterical
phone
call
I
got
from
a
woman
at
sobbing
3:00
A.M.,
"I"ll
never
have
grandchildren,
I"ll
never
have
grandchildren."
was
what??
A
wrong
number?
Ross:
Sorry.
Joey:
Alright
Ross,
look.
You"re
feeling
a
lot
of
pain
right
now.
You"re
angry.
You"re
hurting.
Can
I
tell
you
what
the
answer
is?
(Ross
gestures
his
consent.)
Joey:
Strip
joint!
C"mon,
you"re
single!
Have
some
hormones!
Ross:
I
don"t
want
to
be
single,
okay?
I
just...
I
just-
I
just
wanna
be
married
again!
(Rachel
enters
in
a
wet
wedding
dress
and
starts
to
search
the
room.)
Chandler:
And
I
just
want
a
million
dollars!
(He
extends
his
hand
hopefully.)
Monica:
Rachel?!
Rachel:
Oh
God
Monica
hi!
Thank
God!
I
just
went
to
your
building
and
you
weren"t
there
and
then
this
guy
with
a
big
hammer
said
you
might
be
here
and
you
are,
you
are!
Waitress:
Can
I
get
you
some
coffee?
Monica:
(pointing
at
Rachel)
De-caff.
(to
All)
Okay,
everybody,
this
is
Rachel,
another
Lincoln
High
survivor.
(to
Rachel)
This
is
everybody,
this
is
Chandler,
and
Phoebe,
and
Joey,
and-
you
remember
my
brother
Ross?
Rachel:
Hi,
sure!
Ross:
Hi.
(They
go
to
hug
but
Ross"s
umbrella
opens.?
He
sits
back
down
defeated
again.?
A
moment
of
silence
follows
as
Rachel
sits
and
the
others
expect
her
to
explain.)
Monica:
So
you
wanna
tell
us
now,
or
are
we
waiting
for
four
wet
bridesmaids?
Rachel:
Oh
God...
well,
it
started
about
a
half
hour
before
the
wedding.
I
was
in
the
room
where
we
were
keeping
all
the
presents,
and
I
was
looking
at
this
gravy
boat.
This
really
gorgeous
Lamauge
gravy
boat.
When
all
of
a
sudden-
(to
the
waitress
that
brought
her
coffee)
Sweet
"n"
Lo?-
I
realized
that
I
was
more
turned
on
by
this
gravy
boat
than
by
Barry!
And
then
I
got
really
freaked
out,
and
that"s
when
it
hit
me:
how
much
Barry
looks
like
Mr.
Potato
Head.
Y"know,
I
mean,
I
always
knew
looked
familiar,
but...
Anyway,
I
just
had
to
get
out
of
there,
and
I
started
wondering
"Why
am
I
doing
this,
and
who
am
I
doing
this
for?".
(to
Monica)
So
anyway
I
just
didn"t
know
where
to
go,
and
I
know
that
you
and
I
have
kinda
drifted
apart,
but
you"re
the
only
person
I
knew
who
lived
here
in
the
city.
Monica:
Who
wasn"t
invited
to
the
wedding.
Rachel:
Ooh,
I
was
kinda
hoping
that
wouldn"t
be
an
issue...
[Scene:
Monica"s
Apartment,
everyone
is
there
and
watching
a
Spanish
Soap
on
TV
and
are
trying
to
figure
out
what
is
going
on.]
Monica:
Now
I"m
guessing
that
he
bought
her
the
big
pipe
organ,
and
she"s
really
not
happy
about
it.
Chandler:
(imitating
the
characters)
Tuna
or
egg
salad??
Decide!
Ross:
(in
a
deep
voice)
I"ll
have
whatever
Christine
is
having.
Rachel:
(on
phone)
Daddy,
I
just...
I
can"t
marry
him!
I"m
sorry.
I
just
don"t
love
him.
Well,
it
matters
to
me!
(The
scene
on
TV
has
changed
to
show
two
women,
one
is
holding
her
hair.)
Phoebe:?
If
I
let
go
of
my
hair,
my
head
will
fall
off.
Chandler:
(re
TV)
Ooh,
she
should
not
be
wearing
those
pants.
Joey:
I
say
push
her
down
the
stairs.
Phoebe,
Ross,
Chandler,
and
Joey:?
Push
her
down
the
stairs!
Push
her
down
the
stairs!
Push
her
down
the
stairs!
(She
is
pushed
down
the
stairs
and
everyone
cheers.)
Rachel:
C"mon
Daddy,
listen
to
me!
It"s
like,
it"s
like,
all
of
my
life,
everyone
has
always
told
me,
"You"re
a
shoe!
You"re
a
shoe,
you"re
a
shoe,
you"re
a
shoe!".
And
today
I
just
stopped
and
I
said,
"What
if
I
don"t
wanna
be
a
shoe?
What
if
I
wanna
be
a-
a
purse,
y"know?
Or
a-
or
a
hat!
No,
I"m
not
saying
I
want
you
to
buy
me
a
hat,
I"m
saying
I
am
a
ha-
It"s
a
metaphor,
Daddy!
Ross:
You
can
see
where
he"d
have
trouble.
Rachel:
Look
Daddy,
it"s
my
life.
Well
maybe
I"ll
just
stay
here
with
Monica.
Monica:
Well,
I
guess
we"ve
established
who"s
staying
here
with
Monica...
Rachel:
Well,
maybe
that"s
my
decision.
Well,
maybe
I
don"t
need
your
money.
Wait!!
Wait,
I
said
maybe!!
[Time
Lapse,
Rachel
is
breating
into
a
paper
bag.]
Monica:
Just
breathe,
breathe..
that"s
it.
Just
try
to
think
of
nice
calm
things...
Phoebe:
(sings)
Raindrops
on
roses
and
rabbits
and
kittens,
(Rachel
and
Monica
turn
to
look
at
her.)
bluebells
and
sleighbells
and-
something
with
mittens...
La
la
la
la...something
and
noodles
with
string.?
These
are
a
few...
Rachel:
I"m
all
better
now.
Phoebe:
(grins
and
walks
to
the
kitchen
and
says
to
Chandler
and
Joey.)
I
helped!
Monica:
Okay,
look,
this
is
probably
for
the
best,
y"know?
Independence.
Taking
control
of
your
life.?
The
whole,
"hat"
thing.
Joey:
(comforting
her)
And
hey,
you
need
anything,
you
can
always
come
to
Joey.
Me
and
Chandler
live
across
the
hall.
And
he"s
away
a
lot.
Monica:
Joey,
stop
hitting
on
her!
It"s
her
wedding
day!
Joey:
What,
like
there"s
a
rule
or
something?
(The
door
buzzer
sounds
and
Chandler
gets
it.)
Chandler:
Please
don"t
do
that
again,
it"s
a
horrible
sound.
Paul:
(over
the
intercom)
It"s,
uh,
it"s
Paul.
Monica:
Oh
God,
is
it
6:30??
Buzz
him
in!
Joey:
Who"s
Paul?
Ross:
Paul
the
Wine
Guy,
Paul?
Monica:
Maybe.
Joey:
Wait.
Your
"not
a
real
date"
tonight
is
with
Paul
the
Wine
Guy?
Ross:
He
finally
asked
you
out?
Monica:
Yes!
Chandler:
Ooh,
this
is
a
Dear
Diary
moment.
Monica:
Rach,
wait,
I
can
cancel...
Rachel:
Please,
no,
go,
that"d
be
fine!
Monica:
(to
Ross)
Are,
are
you
okay?
I
mean,
do
you
want
me
to
stay?
Ross:
(choked
voice)
That"d
be
good...
Monica:
(horrified)
Really?
Ross:
(normal
voice)
No,
go
on!
It"s
Paul
the
Wine
Guy!
Phoebe:
What
does
that
mean?
Does
he
sell
it,
drink
it,
or
just
complain
a
lot?
(Chandler
doesn"t
know.)
(There"s
a
knock
on
the
door
and
it"s
Paul.)
Monica:
Hi,
come
in!
Paul,
this
is..
(They
are
all
lined
up
next
to
the
door.)...
everybody,
everybody,
this
is
Paul.
All:
Hey!
Paul!
Hi!
The
Wine
Guy!
Hey!
Chandler:
I"m
sorry,
I
didn"t
catch
your
name.
Paul,
was
it?
Monica:
Okay,
umm-umm,
I"ll
just--I"ll
be
right
back,
I
just
gotta
go
ah,
go
ah...
Ross:
A
wandering?
Monica:
Change!?
Okay,
sit
down.
(Shows
Paul
in)
Two
seconds.
Phoebe:
Ooh,
I
just
pulled
out
four
eyelashes.
That
can"t
be
good.
(Monica
goes
to
change.)
Joey:?
Hey,
Paul!
Paul:
Yeah?
Joey:
Here"s
a
little
tip,
she
really
likes
it
when
you
rub
her
neck
in
the
same
spot
over
and
over
and
over
again
until
it
starts
to
get
a
little
red.
Monica:
(yelling
from
the
bedroom)
Shut
up,
Joey!
Ross:
So
Rachel,
what"re
you,
uh...
what"re
you
up
to
tonight?
Rachel:
Well,
I
was
kinda
supposed
to
be
headed
for
Aruba
on
my
honeymoon,
so
nothing!
Ross:
Right,
you"re
not
even
getting
your
honeymoon,
God..
No,
no,
although,
Aruba,
this
time
of
year...
talk
about
your-
(thinks)
-big
lizards...
Anyway,
if
you
don"t
feel
like
being
alone
tonight,
Joey
and
Chandler
are
coming
over
to
help
me
put
together
my
new
furniture.
Chandler:
(deadpan)
Yes,
and
we"re
very
excited
about
it.
Rachel:
Well
actually
thanks,
but
I
think
I"m
just
gonna
hang
out
here
tonight.?
It"s
been
kinda
a
long
day.
Ross:
Okay,
sure.
Joey:
Hey
Pheebs,
you
wanna
help?
Phoebe:
Oh,
I
wish
I
could,
but
I
don"t
want
to.
Commercial
Break
[Scene:
The
Subway,
Phoebe
is
singing
for
change.]
Phoebe:
(singing)
Love
is
sweet
as
summer
showers,
love
is
a
wondrous
work
of
art,
but
your
love
oh
your
love,
your
love...is
like
a
giant
pigeon...crapping
on
my
heart.?
La-la-la-la-la-
(some
guy
gives
her
some
change
and
to
that
guy)
Thank
you.
(sings)
La-la-la-la...ohhh!
[Scene:
Ross"s
Apartment,
the
guys
are
there
assembling
furniture.]
Ross:
(squatting
and
reading
the
instructions)
I"m
supposed
to
attach
a
brackety
thing
to
the
side
things,
using
a
bunch
of
these
little
worm
guys.
I
have
no
brackety
thing,
I
see
no
whim
guys
whatsoever
and-
I
cannot
feel
my
legs.
(Joey
and
Chandler
are
finishing
assembling
the
bookcase.)
Joey:
I"m
thinking
we"ve
got
a
bookcase
here.
Chandler:
It"s
a
beautiful
thing.
Joey:
(picking
up
a
leftover
part)
What"s
this?
Chandler:
I
would
have
to
say
that
is
an
"L"-shaped
bracket.
Joey:
Which
goes
where?
Chandler:
I
have
no
idea.
(Joey
checks
that
Ross
is
not
looking
and
dumps
it
in
a
plant.)
Joey:
Done
with
the
bookcase!
Chandler:
All
finished!
Ross:
(clutching
a
beer
can
and
sniffing)
This
was
Carol"s
favorite
beer.
She
always
drank
it
out
of
the
can,
I
should
have
known.
Joey:
Hey-hey-hey-hey,
if
you"re
gonna
start
with
that
stuff
we"re
outta
here.
Chandler:
Yes,
please
don"t
spoil
all
this
fun.
Joey:
Ross,
let
me
ask
you
a
question.
She
got
the
furniture,
the
stereo,
the
good
TV-
what
did
you
get?
Ross:
You
guys.
Chandler:
Oh,
God.
Joey:
You
got
screwed.
Chandler:
Oh
my
God!
[Scene:
A
Restaurant,
Monica
and
Paul
are
eating.]
Monica:
Oh
my
God!
Paul:
I
know,
I
know,
I"m
such
an
idiot.
I
guess
I
should
have
caught
on
when
she
started
going
to
the
dentist
four
and
five
times
a
week.
I
mean,
how
clean
can
teeth
get?
Monica:
My
brother"s
going
through
that
right
now,
he"s
such
a
mess.
How
did
you
get
through
it?
Paul:
Well,
you
might
try
accidentally
breaking
something
valuable
of
hers,
say
her-
Monica:
-leg?
Paul:
(laughing)
That"s
one
way!
Me,
I-
I
went
for
the
watch.
Monica:
You
actually
broke
her
watch??
Wow!?
The
worst
thing
I
ever
did
was,
I-I
shredded
by
boyfriend"s
favorite
bath
towel.
Paul:
Ooh,
steer
clear
of
you.
Monica:
That"s
right.
[Scene:
Monica"s
Apartment,
Rachel
is
talking
on
the
phone
and
pacing.]
Rachel:
Barry,
I"m
sorry...
I
am
so
sorry...
I
know
you
probably
think
that
this
is
all
about
what
I
said
the
other
day
about
you
making
love
with
your
socks
on,
but
it
isn"t...
it
isn"t,
it"s
about
me,
and
I
ju-
(She
stops
talking
and
dials
the
phone.)
Hi,
machine
cut
me
off
again...
anyway...look,
look,
I
know
that
some
girl
is
going
to
be
incredibly
lucky
to
become
Mrs.
Barry
Finkel,
but
it
isn"t
me,
it"s
not
me.?
And
not
that
I
have
any
idea
who
me
is
right
now,
but
you
just
have
to
give
me
a
chance
too...
(The
maching
cuts
her
off
again
and
she
redials.)
[Scene:
Ross"s
Apartment;
Ross
is
pacing
while
Joey
and
Chandler
are
working
on
some
more
furniture.]
Ross:
I"m
divorced!?
I"m
only
26
and
I"m
divorced!
Joey:
Shut
up!
Chandler:
You
must
stop!
(Chandler
hits
what
he
is
working
on
with
a
hammer
and
it
collapses.)
Ross:
That
only
took
me
an
hour.
Chandler:
Look,
Ross,
you
gotta
understand,
between
us
we
haven"t
had
a
relationship
that
has
lasted
longer
than
a
Mento.
?
You,
however
have
had
the
love
of
a
woman
for
four
years.
?
Four
years
of
closeness
and
sharing
at
the
end
of
which
she
ripped
your
heart
out,
and
that
is
why
we
don"t
do
it!?
I
don"t
think
that
was
my
point!
Ross:
You
know
what
the
scariest
part
is?
What
if
there"s
only
one
woman
for
everybody,
y"know?
I
mean
what
if
you
get
one
woman-
and
that"s
it?
Unfortunately
in
my
case,
there
was
only
one
woman-
for
her...
Joey:
What
are
you
talking
about?
"One
woman"?
That"s
like
saying
there"s
only
one
flavor
of
ice
cream
for
you.
Lemme
tell
you
something,
Ross.
There"s
lots
of
flavors
out
there.
There"s
Rocky
Road,
and
Cookie
Dough,
and
Bing!
Cherry
Vanilla.
You
could
get
"em
with
Jimmies,
or
nuts,
or
whipped
cream!
This
is
the
best
thing
that
ever
happened
to
you!
You
got
married,
you
were,
like,
what,
eight?
Welcome
back
to
the
world!
Grab
a
spoon!
Ross:
I
honestly
don"t
know
if
I"m
hungry
or
horny.
Chandler:
Stay
out
of
my
freezer!
[Scene:
A
Restaurant,
Monica
and
Paul
are
still
eating.]
Paul:
Ever
since
she
walked
out
on
me,
I,
uh...
Monica:
What?.....
What,
you
wanna
spell
it
out
with
noodles?
Paul:
No,
it"s,
it"s
more
of
a
fifth
date
kinda
revelation.
Monica:
Oh,
so
there
is
gonna
be
a
fifth
date?
Paul:
Isn"t
there?
Monica:
Yeah...
yeah,
I
think
there
is.
-What
were
you
gonna
say?
Paul:
Well,
ever-ev-...
ever
since
she
left
me,
um,
I
haven"t
been
able
to,
uh,
perform.
(Monica
takes
a
sip
of
her
drink.)
...Sexually.
Monica:
(spitting
out
her
drink
in
shock)
Oh
God,
oh
God,
I
am
sorry...
I
am
so
sorry...
Paul:
It"s
okay...
Monica:
I
know
being
spit
on
is
probably
not
what
you
need
right
now.
Um...
how
long?
Paul:
Two
years.
Monica:
Wow!
I"m-I"m-I"m
glad
you
smashed
her
watch!
Paul:
So
you
still
think
you,
um...
might
want
that
fifth
date?
Monica:
(pause)...Yeah.
Yeah,
I
do.
[Scene:
Monica"s
Apartment,
Rachel
is
watching
Joanne
Loves
Chaci.]
Priest
on
TV:
We
are
gathered
here
today
to
join
Joanne
Louise
Cunningham
and
Charles,
Chachi-Chachi-Chachi,
Arcola
in
the
bound
of
holy
matrimony.
Rachel:
Oh...see...
but
Joanne
loved
Chachi!
That"s
the
difference!
[Scene:
Ross"s
Apartment,
they"re
all
sitting
around
and
talking.]
Ross:
(scornful)
Grab
a
spoon.
Do
you
know
how
long
it"s
been
since
I"ve
grabbed
a
spoon?
Do
the
words
"Billy,
don"t
be
a
hero"
mean
anything
to
you?
Joey:
Great
story!?
But,
I
uh,
I
gotta
go,
I
got
a
date
with
Andrea--Angela--Andrea...?
Oh
man,
(looks
to
Chandler)
Chandler:
Angela"s
the
screamer,
Andrea
has
cats.
Joey:
Right.?
Thanks.?
It"s
June.?
I"m
outta
here.
(Exits.)
Ross:
Y"know,
here"s
the
thing.
Even
if
I
could
get
it
together
enough
to-
to
ask
a
woman
out,...
who
am
I
gonna
ask?
(He
gazes
out
of
the
window.)
[Cut
to
Rachel
staring
out
of
her
window.]
Commercial
Break
[Scene:
Monica"s
Apartment,
Rachel
is
making
coffee
for
Joey
and
Chandler.]
Rachel:
Isn"t
this
amazing?
I
mean,
I
have
never
made
coffee
before
in
my
entire
life.
Chandler:
That
is
amazing.
Joey:
Congratulations.
Rachel:
Y"know,
I
figure
if
I
can
make
coffee,
there
isn"t
anything
I
can"t
do.
Chandler:
If
can
invade
Poland,
there
isn"t
anything
I
can"t
do.
Joey:
Listen,
while
you"re
on
a
roll,
if
you
feel
like
you
gotta
make
like
a
Western
omelet
or
something...
(Joey
and
Chandler
taste
the
coffee,
grimace,
and
pour
it
into
a
plant
pot.)
Although
actually
I"m
really
not
that
hungry...
Monica:
(entering,
to
herself)
Oh
good,
Lenny
and
Squigy
are
here.
All:
Morning.
Good
morning.
Paul:
(entering
from
Monica"s
room)
Morning.
Joey:
Morning,
Paul.
Rachel:
Hello,
Paul.
Chandler:
Hi,
Paul,
is
it?
(Monica
and
Paul
walk
to
the
door
and
talk
in
a
low
voice
so
the
others
can"t
hear.?
The
others
move
Monica"s
table
closer
to
the
door
so
that
they
can.)
Paul:
Thank
you!?
Thank
you
so
much!
Monica:
Stop!
Paul:
No,
I"m
telling
you
last
night
was
like
umm,
all
my
birthdays,
both
graduations,
plus
the
barn
raising
scene
in
Witness.
Monica:
We"ll
talk
later.
Paul:
Yeah.
(They
kiss)
Thank
you.
(Exits)
Joey:
That
wasn"t
a
real
date?!
What
the
hell
do
you
do
on
a
real
date?
Monica:
Shut
up,
and
put
my
table
back.
All:
Okayyy!
(They
do
so.)
Chandler:
All
right,
kids,
I
gotta
get
to
work.
If
I
don"t
input
those
numbers,...
it
doesn"t
make
much
of
a
difference...
Rachel:
So,
like,
you
guys
all
have
jobs?
Monica:
Yeah,
we
all
have
jobs.
See,
that"s
how
we
buy
stuff.
Joey:
Yeah,
I"m
an
actor.
Rachel:
Wow!
Would
I
have
seen
you
in
anything?
Joey:
I
doubt
it.
Mostly
regional
work.
Monica:
Oh
wait,
wait,
unless
you
happened
to
catch
the
Reruns"
production
of
Pinocchio,
at
the
little
theater
in
the
park.
Joey:
Look,
it
was
a
job
all
right?
Chandler:
"Look,
Gippetto,
I"m
a
real
live
boy."
Joey:
I
will
not
take
this
abuse.
(Walks
to
the
door
and
opens
it
to
leave.)
Chandler:
You"re
right,
I"m
sorry.
(Burst
into
song
and
dances
out
of
the
door.)
"Once
I
was
a
wooden
boy,
a
little
wooden
boy..."
Joey:
You
should
both
know,
that
he"s
a
dead
man.?
Oh,
Chandler?
(Starts
after
Chandler.)
Monica:
So
how
you
doing
today?
Did
you
sleep
okay?
Talk
to
Barry?
I
can"t
stop
smiling.
Rachel:
I
can
see
that.
You
look
like
you
slept
with
a
hanger
in
your
mouth.
Monica:
I
know,
he"s
just
so,
so...
Do
you
remember
you
and
Tony
DeMarco?
Rachel:
Oh,
yeah.
Monica:
Well,
it"s
like
that.
With
feelings.
Rachel:
Oh
wow.
Are
you
in
trouble.
Monica:
Big
time!
Rachel:
Want
a
wedding
dress?
?
Hardly
used.
Monica:
I
think
we
are
getting
a
little
ahead
of
selves
here.
Okay.
Okay.
I
am
just
going
to
get
up,
go
to
work
and
not
think
about
him
all
day.
Or
else
I"m
just
gonna
get
up
and
go
to
work.
Rachel:
Oh,
look,
wish
me
luck!
Monica:
What
for?
Rachel:
I"m
gonna
go
get
one
of
those
(Thinks)
job
things.
(Monica
exits.)
[Scene:
Iridium,
Monica
is
working
as
Frannie
enters.]
Frannie:
Hey,
Monica!
Monica:
Hey
Frannie,
welcome
back!
How
was
Florida?
Frannie:
You
had
sex,
didn"t
you?
Monica:
How
do
you
do
that?
Frannie:
Oh,
I
hate
you,
I"m
pushing
my
Aunt
Roz
through
Parrot
Jungle
and
you"re
having
sex!?
So?
Who?
Monica:
You
know
Paul?
Frannie:
Paul
the
Wine
Guy?
Oh
yeah,
I
know
Paul.
Monica:
You
mean
you
know
Paul
like
I
know
Paul?
Frannie:
Are
you
kidding?
I
take
credit
for
Paul.
Y"know
before
me,
there
was
no
snap
in
his
turtle
for
two
years.
[Scene:
Central
Perk,
everyone
but
Rachel
is
there.]
Joey:
(sitting
on
the
arm
of
the
couch)Of
course
it
was
a
line!
Monica:
Why?!
Why?
Why,
why
would
anybody
do
something
like
that?
Ross:
I
assume
we"re
looking
for
an
answer
more
sophisticated
than
"to
get
you
into
bed".
Monica:
I
hate
men!?
I
hate
men!
Phoebe:
Oh
no,
don"t
hate,
you
don"t
want
to
put
that
out
into
the
universe.
Monica:
Is
it
me?
Is
it
like
I
have
some
sort
of
beacon
that
only
dogs
and
men
with
severe
emotional
problems
can
hear?
Phoebe:
All
right,
c"mere,
gimme
your
feet.
(She
starts
massaging
them.)
Monica:
I
just
thought
he
was
nice,
y"know?
Joey:
(bursts
out
laughing
again)
I
can"t
believe
you
didn"t
know
it
was
a
line!
(Monica
pushes
him
off
of
the
sofa
as
Rachel
enters
with
a
shopping
bag.)
Rachel:
Guess
what?
Ross:
You
got
a
job?
Rachel:
Are
you
kidding?
I"m
trained
for
nothing!
I
was
laughed
out
of
twelve
interviews
today.
Chandler:
And
yet
you"re
surprisingly
upbeat.
Rachel:
You
would
be
too
if
you
found
John
and
David
boots
on
sale,
fifty
percent
off!
Chandler:
Oh,
how
well
you
know
me...
Rachel:
They"re
my
new
"I
don"t
need
a
job,
I
don"t
need
my
parents,
I"ve
got
great
boots"
boots!
Monica:
How"d
you
pay
for
them?
Rachel:
Uh,
credit
card.
Monica:
And
who
pays
for
that?
Rachel:
Um...
my...
father.
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel"s,
everyone
is
sitting
around
the
kitchen
table.
?
Rachel"s
credit
cards
are
spread
out
on
the
table
along
with
a
pair
of
scissors.]
Rachel:
Oh
God,
come
on
you
guys,
is
this
really
necessary??
I
mean,
I
can
stop
charging
anytime
I
want.
Monica:
C"mon,
you
can"t
live
off
your
parents
your
whole
life.
Rachel:
I
know
that.
That"s
why
I
was
getting
married.
Phoebe:
Give
her
a
break,
it"s
hard
being
on
your
own
for
the
first
time.
Rachel:
Thank
you.
Phoebe:
You"re
welcome.
I
remember
when
I
first
came
to
this
city.
I
was
fourteen.
My
mom
had
just
killed
herself
and
my
step-dad
was
back
in
prison,
and
I
got
here,
and
I
didn"t
know
anybody.
And
I
ended
up
living
with
this
albino
guy
who
was,
like,
cleaning
windshields
outside
port
authority,
and
then
he
killed
himself,
and
then
I
found
aromatherapy.
So
believe
me,
I
know
exactly
how
you
feel.
(Pause)
Ross:
The
word
you"re
looking
for
is
"Anyway"...
Monica:
All
right,
you
ready?
Rachel:
No.?
No,
no,
I"m
not
ready!?
How
can
I
be
ready??
"Hey,
Rach!?
You
ready
to
jump
out
the
airplane
without
your
parachute?"?
Come
on,
I
can"t
do
this!
Monica:
You
can,
I
know
you
can!
Rachel:
I
don"t
think
so.
Ross:
Come
on,
you
made
coffee!
?
You
can
do
anything!
(Chandler
slowly
tries
to
hide
the
now
dead
plant
from
that
morning
when
he
and
Joey
poured
their
coffee
into
it.)
Ross:
C"mon,
cut.
Cut,
cut,
cut,...
All:
Cut,
cut,
cut,
cut,
cut,
cut,
cut...
(She
cuts
one
of
them
and
they
cheer.)
Rachel:
Y"know
what??
I
think
we
can
just
leave
it
at
that.?
It"s
kinda
like
a
symbolic
gesture...
Monica:?
Rachel!?
That
was
a
library
card!
All:
Cut,
cut,
cut,
cut,
cut,
cut,
cut..
Chandler:
(as
Rachel
is
cutting
up
her
cards)
Y"know,
if
you
listen
closely,
you
can
hear
a
thousand
retailers
scream.
(She
finishes
cutting
them
up
and
they
all
cheer.)
Monica:
Welcome
to
the
real
world!
It
sucks.
You"re
gonna
love
it!
[Time
Lapse,
Rachel
and
Ross
are
watching
a
TV
channel
finishes
it"s
broadcast
day
by
playing
the
national
anthem.]
Monica:
Well,
that"s
it
(To
Ross)
You
gonna
crash
on
the
couch?
Ross:
No.
No,
I
gotta
go
home
sometime.
Monica:
You
be
okay?
Ross:
Yeah.
Rachel:
Hey
Mon,
look
what
I
just
found
on
the
floor.
(Monica
smiles.)
What?
Monica:
That"s
Paul"s
watch.
You
just
put
it
back
where
you
found
it.
Oh
boy.
Alright.
Goodnight,
everybody.
Ross
and
Rachel:
Goodnight.
(Monica
stomps
on
Paul"s
watch
and
goes
into
her
room.)
Ross:
Mmm.
(They
both
reach
for
the
last
cookie)
Oh,
no-
Rachel:
Sorry-
Ross:
No
no
no,
go-
Rachel:
No,
you
have
it,
really,
I
don"t
want
it-
Ross:
Split
it?
Rachel:
Okay.
Ross:
Okay.
(They
split
it.)
You
know
you
probably
didn"t
know
this,
but
back
in
high
school,
I
had
a,
um,
major
crush
on
you.
Rachel:
I
knew.
Ross:
You
did!
Oh....
I
always
figured
you
just
thought
I
was
Monica"s
geeky
older
brother.
Rachel:
I
did.
Ross:
Oh.
Listen,
do
you
think-
and
try
not
to
let
my
intense
vulnerability
become
any
kind
of
a
factor
here-
but
do
you
think
it
would
be
okay
if
I
asked
you
out?
Sometime?
Maybe?
Rachel:
Yeah,
maybe...
Ross:
Okay...
okay,
maybe
I
will...
Rachel:
Goodnight.
Ross:
Goodnight.
(Rachel
goes
into
her
room
and
Monica
enters
the
living
room
as
Ross
is
leaving.)
Monica:
See
ya....
Waitwait,
what"s
with
you?
Ross:
I
just
grabbed
a
spoon.
(Ross
exits
and
Monica
has
no
idea
what
that
means.)
Closing
Credits
[Scene:
Central
Perk,
everyone
is
there.]
Joey:
I
can"t
believe
what
I"m
hearing
here.
Phoebe:
(sings)
I
can"t
believe
what
I"m
hearing
here...
Monica:
What?
I-I
said
you
had
a-
Phoebe:
(sings)
What
I
said
you
had...
Monica:
(to
Phoebe)
Would
you
stop?
Phoebe:
Oh,
was
I
doing
it
again?
All:
Yes!
Monica:
I
said
that
you
had
a
nice
butt,
it"s
just
not
a
great
butt.
Joey:
Oh,
you
wouldn"t
know
a
great
butt
if
it
came
up
and
bit
ya.
Ross:
There"s
an
image.
Rachel:
(walks
up
with
a
pot
of
coffee)
Would
anybody
like
more
coffee?
Chandler:
Did
you
make
it,
or
are
you
just
serving
it?
Rachel:
I"m
just
serving
it.
All:
Yeah.
Yeah,
I"ll
have
a
cup
of
coffee.
Chandler:
Kids,
new
dream...
I"m
in
Las
Vegas.
(Rachel
sits
down
to
hear
Chandler"s
dream.)
Customer:
(To
Rachel)
Ahh,
miss?
?
More
coffee?
Rachel:
Ugh.
(To
another
customer
that"s
leaving.)
Excuse
me,
could
you
give
this
to
that
guy
over
there?
(Hands
him
the
coffee
pot.)
Go
ahead.
(He
does
so.)
Thank
you.
(To
the
gang.)
Sorry.?
Okay,
Las
Vegas.
Chandler:
Okay,
so,
I"m
in
Las
Vegas...
I"m
Liza
Minelli-
End
101
试播
没什么好说的！他不过是我的同事！
少来了，你和那个人一起出去！拜托，和你交往的男人一定有问题！
打住，乔伊，嘴下留德。他驼背？既驼背又带假发？
慢着，他吃粉笔吗？
我只是不想你重蹈我和卡尔的覆辙。
各位别急，这不算约会。我们不过是出去吃晚餐，而且不做爱。
听起来好像是说我的约会。
记得中学时代的梦，我站在自助餐厅，突然发现自己全身赤裸。
我做过那样的梦。
我低头一看，看见有一支电话……在那儿。
而不是……？
没错。
我没做过那样的梦,没有。
那支电话突然响起，而我不知道怎么办，每个人都开始望着我。
他们以前不看你吗？！
终于，我认为我应该接，结果是我妈打来，我感到很奇怪，因为我妈不曾打过电话给我！
嗨。
这家伙向我打招呼时我就想自杀。
你还好吧？
我感觉有人把手伸入我的喉咙，抓起我的肠子，从我的口中取出，然后绑在我脖上……
饼干？
卡罗今天把她的东西搬走了。
-
我帮你泡杯咖啡，
谢了。
不要……别清理我的灵气。可是……别碰我的灵气就是了。
好吧，保持晦气！
我会没事的，真的，我祝她幸福。
-
不，你不会的，没错，
-
我不会的，去她的，她甩掉我！
而且你一直都不知道她是女同性恋者。
没有！！行了吧？！为何大家都围着这个话题打转？连她不知道，我怎会知道。
有时真希望自己也是个女同志。我刚刚大声说出来了吗？
昨晚我告诉我父母，他们好像还挺好。
真的吗，凌晨三点我接到一个电话，一个女人歇斯底里的向我哭诉，“我不能抱孙子了，
我不能抱孙子了。”那是什么？打错了？
对不起。
别闷闷不乐了，罗斯。你现在很痛苦。我一肚子火,心如刀割。能告诉你解决之道吗？
脱衣舞酒店。你单身，有性需求。
我不想单身的。我只想再结婚。
我只想要一百万！
-
瑞秋？！
-
天啊，莫妮卡，谢天谢地！我到过你的住处，你不在。有个拿着一根大榔头的人说你可能会在这儿，结果你真的在这儿。
想来杯咖啡吗？
无咖啡因的。各位，她叫瑞秋，另一位从林肯高中生存下来的人。这位叫钱德勒，菲比，乔伊。还记得我哥罗斯吗？
当然。
嗨。
你想现在告诉我们，还是等伴娘来再说？
婚礼前半个小时发生了变数。我在堆放礼物的房间里，看着船形卤肉盘，非常漂亮的船形卤肉盘，突然间……
有没有代糖？我了解船形卤肉盘此巴瑞更能引起我的“性趣”，我自己都吓了一跳，
巴瑞愈看愈像猪头先生。我一直都认为他很眼熟。总之,我必须离开。我开始想，我为何这么做？我为谁这样做？于是我不知该走往何处，我知道你我日渐疏远。但是你是我在这个城市，认识的唯一一个人。
好像是唯一没受邀参加婚礼的人。
这件事就甭提啦。
我猜他送她一台管风琴，她肯定不喜欢，
金枪鱼还是鸡蛋沙拉？快决定！
我要拥有克莉丝汀拥有的一切。
爸，我不能嫁给他……对不起，我只是不爱他。对，是我的问题！
如果我没了头发，
还不如去死。
她不该穿那条裤子。
我建议推她下楼，
推她下楼！推她下楼！推她下楼！
爸，你听我说……大家这样评价我这一辈子：你是一只鞋……今天我倒想看看如果我不再是鞋会怎样。我说如果我想当皮包呢？
或是帽子呢？不，我不需你帮我买帽子。我说我是一顶帽子。爸，这是一种比喻。
你看他也有些问题。
爸，这是我的人生。或许我会和莫妮卡住在这儿。
我想我们已确定好谁要和莫妮卡住在这儿。
或许那是我的决定。或许我不希罕你的钱。
等一下，等一下……我说的是或许！！
深呼吸，就这样。试着想着美好的事物……
玫瑰上的雨滴，猫嘴上的胡须，门铃和雪橇之类的。啦
啦
啦……还有手套……
我现在好多了。
我的功劳。
或许这样最好，要自立，决定自己的事情。
有任何需要找乔伊准没错。我和钱德勒就住在对面，而且他经常不在家。
乔伊,少趁虚而入了，今天是她大喜的日子。
什么？有规定不能吗？
别再这样，声音很刺耳。
我是保罗。
天啊，6:30了吗？让他进来！
保罗是谁？调酒的那个保罗？
或许吧。
等等,你今晚该不是真的要和调酒的那个保罗约会吧？
他终于开口约你了？对。
终于被你等到了。
瑞秋，等等，我可以取消。
不用了，你去吧，我不会有事的。
罗斯，你没事吧。你要我留下来吗？
那样最好……
真的吗？
-
假的，去吧！是保罗，调酒师耶！
什么意思？他是卖酒的，喝酒的，还是评酒的？
请进！
保罗，这位是……
……各位，各位，他就是保罗。
保罗……调酒大师。
抱歉，我没听清楚你名字。保罗，是吗？
我马上就好，我去，去……
神魂恍惚啦？
换衣服！请坐，两秒钟。
我刚拔掉四根睫毛，不妙。
嗨，保罗！
嗯，有何指教？
一个小秘密，莫妮卡其实就喜欢这样，你摩擦她脖子的同一个地方，反反复复，直到那里开始有点发红。
乔伊你给我闭嘴！
瑞秋，你打算如何渡过今晚？
我应该在前往阿鲁巴渡蜜月的途中，因此没了！
我懂，你没去渡蜜月。虽然阿鲁巴在此时……有很多……大蜥蜴，如果你今晚不想独处，乔伊和钱德勒要到我那儿帮我组合新家俱，
对，我们都相当兴奋。
谢谢，但我今晚想待在这儿，我折磨了一天。
好吧，当然。
菲此，想帮忙吗？
我可以去，但我不去。爱情似炎炎夏日中的阵雨般美妙，
love
is
a
wondrous
work
of
art,
but
your
love
oh
your
love,your
love...
is
like
a
giant
pigeon...crapping
on
my
heart.啦-啦-啦-啦-啦-
谢谢。
我应该用蜗杆将托架装在侧面，但我没看见托架和蜗杆，而且，我的脚好麻。
我想我们做好书架了。
真漂亮。
这是什么？
我只能说这是个“L”型托架。
是哪儿的？
我也不知道。
书架做好了！终于做好了！
这是卡罗最爱喝的啤酒。
她总是不用杯子喝，我早应该看出蛛丝马迹。
嗨…………
如果你再这样，我们就走了。
对啊，请不要破坏这里的乐趣。
罗斯，我问你一个问题。
她分得家俱，音响和好电视。
你分得什么？
你们。
天啊。
你昏头了吧。
嗯，天啊！
嗯，天啊。
我知道，我是个大白痴。
她每周看四五次牙医时我就该了解，
我指牙齿能有多干净？
我哥正承受着这种痛苦，
一副失魂落魄的样子。
你是怎么熬过来的？
你可以不小心砸烂她贵着的东西，如她的……
她的……
……腿？
这样也不赖！我……
我砸烂了她的表。
你真的砸烂过她的表？
哇！我做过的最坏的事情是，
我撕碎了男朋友最喜欢的浴巾。
嗯,机智脱身。
对啊。
巴瑞，真是对不起。
你一定认为此事与我那次说的话有关，
关于你做爱时，
穿着袜子，
其实不是，
问题出在我身上，我……
答录机又把我挂断了。
不管怎样……瞧瞧，瞧瞧，
我知道某个女孩会不可思议的，
成为凡可?巴瑞太太，
但那不是我，不是我。
而我现在连我自己是谁都不知道，
但你还应该给我一个机会向你……
我离婚啦！
我才26岁就离婚啦！
闭嘴！
你还是停下来吧！
我才花了一小时。
看啊，罗斯，你应该理解，
我们认识不是太久，
但你和一个女人相爱已经四年了，
四年的封闭和分享，
最后她把你的心都麻醉了，
这就是我们为什么不这样做！
这还不是最重要的！
你知道最可怕的是什么？
万一每个人一生只有一个女人怎么办？
我的意思是如果你只有一个女人时该怎么办？
不幸地我唯一的女人爱的是……她
你在说什么？一个女人。
那就像在说你只能吃一种口味的冰淇淋，
罗斯，告诉你吧，
冰淇淋的口种有千百种。
有各种点心糖果冰淇淋……
你可以加上小糖条或是核果，
或是奶油，
这是你一生中最美好的事。
你八岁时就结婚了吧？
欢迎来到世界！
抓住勺子！
我真的不知道自己是饥渴还是欲火焚身？
那么就别碰我家的冰箱。
自从她甩掉我之后我，
什么？…………
什么，你打算边嚼面条边讲？
不，这就像是”第五次约会真情告白”
有第五次约会？
不需要吗？
需要，我想需要的。
你刚才想说什么？
这个……呃……
自从她离开后，
我就一直无法……没做过……
……性方面的……
天啊,天啊,对不起,对不起。
没关系……
你现在需要的应该不是让人吐口水吧。
多久了？
两年了。
哇！真高兴你砸烂了她的表！
你还想要第五次约会？
……当然想。
我们今天来这里参加
乔安妮?路易丝?坎宁安和查尔斯?
恰棋-恰棋-恰棋?阿可勒的神圣婚礼。
喔……看……乔安妮爱的是恰棋。
差别就在这儿！
抓住勺子。
知道我等着“抓这把勺子”等了多久吗？
你对”此尔，别逞英雄”这句话有感觉吗？
非常对不起！
但我要走了，
我有个约会，和
安德里亚……安吉拉……安德里亚……嗨，
安吉拉喜欢尖叫，安德里亚养猫。
对。谢谢。六月份了。我走了。
是这样的。
就算我鼓起勇气约女人出去，
但我要约谁呀？
神奇吧？我这辈子从没泡过咖啡。
真神奇。
恭喜了。
你看，我觉得只要我会泡咖啡，
就没有什么不行。
如果能侵入波兰，
就能征服一切。
如果你兴致大发想做蛋饼，
老实说我不太饿……
好啊，Lenny和Squigy来啦。
早安。早安。
早安。
早安,保罗。
你好,保罗。
嗨,保罗,是吗？？
谢谢你！太谢谢你了！
好了！
不行，我要告诉你昨晚就像
我所有的生日，毕业典礼，
和谷仓收获季节加在一起一样。
晚点打电话。
好。谢谢。
那还不叫约会？！
那你真正的约会到底干些什么？
闭嘴,把桌子抬回去。
好吧！
孩子们，我要上班去了。
如果我不输入那些数字……
也没什么关系……
你们大伙儿都有工作？
对，我们都有工作。
这样才有钱买东西。
对，我是个演员。
我见过你吗？？
大概没见过吧。
我大部份都是在地区性的节目中演出。
等等，除非你看过小木偶的重播。
这也算是工作吧？
瞧，盖佩多，我是个活生生的小男孩。
我不会理睬这种羞辱。
你说得对,抱歉。
我曾是个小木偶……小木偶……
告诉你们，他死定了。
嗨，钱德勒？
今天感觉如何？
睡得还好吧？和巴瑞通过电话吗？
我无法停止笑。
我看得出来。
你这样子像是昨晚口中含着衣架睡觉。
我知道，他是那么……
还记得你和东尼戴马克？
记得。
就像那样。那样感觉。
你惹上麻烦了。
大麻烦！
需要婚纱吗？几乎没用过的。
我想我们有点不知所以了。
我要清醒，去工作。
整天都不想他，
或者只是清醒然后去工作。
-
祝我幸运！
为什么？
我要去找工作。
嗨，莫妮卡！
法兰妮，欢迎回来！
佛罗里达如何？
你们上床了，对不？
你怎么看出来的？
哦，我恨你，我推着我的洛兹阿姨经过帕罗丛林，
你却在做爱！
和谁呀？
认识保罗吗？
保罗，那个调酒的？
对，我认识保罗。
你认识保罗像我认识他一样？
爱说笑，
他还得谢我呢。
遇到我之前他已有两年无法入道。
显然他是骗你的！
为什么？
为什么会有人那样做？
我想答案比
”设法骗你上床”更复杂。
我恨男人！我恨男人！
不，别恨，你也不想把他们丢出宇宙吧。
问题出在我身上？
难道我有特殊气味。
只有狗和感情有严着问题的男人才闻得到。
过来，脚给我。
我以为他是个好男人。
我无法相信你不懂这是骗局。
猜猜看？
你找到工作了？
开玩笑？
我书都白念了！
今天的十二个面试全泡汤了。
不过你却异常兴奋。
换成是你，你也会一样。
如果你遇见John
and
David的皮靴打五折。
你真是太了解我了。
这是我的新皮靴，
我不需要工作，不需要父母，
因为我有新皮靴！
你怎么付钱？
信用卡啊。
卡费谁费？
我爸。
天啊，好啦，有必要吗？
我是说，我可以随时忍住挥霍的。
成熟点，你不能靠你爸一辈子。
我知道，所以我选择结婚。
饶了她吧，第一次独立并不轻松。
谢谢。
不客气。我记得我第一次来到纽约时的情况，
当时我十四岁，我妈刚自杀，
我继父再度入狱，
我在这儿人生地不熟。
最后我和患白化症的男人同居。
他为港务局的人清洗车窗。
后来他自杀了。
然后我找到芳香按摩治疗的工作。
所以请相信我你的心情我能体会。
你需要的是，
“无论如何”……
好的，准备好了吗？
不。不，不，我没准备好！
我怎么会准备好呢？
嗨，瑞秋！你准备好不用降落伞跳出飞机吗？
不行，我不行！
你能行的,
我知道你能行！
我不觉得.
来吧，你会泡咖啡！
你就什么都可以！
来，剪，剪，剪，剪……
你们知道吗？
我认为我们可以把它们留在那里。
只做个象征性的姿势就可以了。
瑞秋！
那是借书卡！
剪，剪，剪，剪，剪，剪，剪……
知道吗，如果你们仔细听，
你们会听到上千的商家在尖叫。
欢迎来到现实的世界。
糟透了，但你会喜欢的！
好，就到这。
你要睡在沙发上吗？
不，我要回家。
你没事吧？
还好。
嗨，看我在地板上发现什么？
什么？
那是保罗的手表。
放回原地就好了。
好。晚安,各位。
晚安。
嗯……
对不起。-
不，不，不，走开-
吃吧,我不饿。
分开？
行。
你大概不知道我在高中时，
肯定能迷死你。
我知道。
你知道？
哦……
我总想你认为我不过是莫妮卡的书呆子哥哥。
没错。
你是否认为如果抛开其他不好的因素，
我能偶尔约你出去吗？有时？有可能？
好，或许吧……
或许我会的……
晚安。
晚安。
回头见……
等等，你怎么了？
我刚“抓住了勺子”！
我真不敢相信我的耳朵。
我真不敢相信我的耳朵。
我说你有一个……
我说你有一个……
你有完没完？
我的老毛病又犯了？
没错！
我是说你有一个不错的屁股，
但不是个了不起的屁股。
它又没跳起来咬过你，你怎么知道不是了不起。
只是想象。
谁要喝咖啡？
你煮的还只是端过来而已？
端来而已。
好,好,给我来杯咖啡。
孩子们，新梦……
我在拉斯维加斯。
嗨，小姐？加点咖啡？
嗯，劳驾，请递给那个人？
去啊。
谢谢。
对不起。好，拉斯维加斯。
我在拉斯维加斯……
我是丽莎明妮莉……
102
The
One
With
the
Sonogram
at
the
End
102
The
One
With
the
Sonogram
at
the
End
[Scene
Central
Perk,
everyone"s
there.]
Monica:
What
you
guys
don"t
understand
is,
for
us,
kissing
is
as
important
as
any
part
of
it.
Joey:
Yeah,
right!.......Y"serious?
Phoebe:
Oh,
yeah!
Rachel:
Everything
you
need
to
know
is
in
that
first
kiss.
Monica:
Absolutely.
Chandler:
Yeah,
I
think
for
us,
kissing
is
pretty
much
like
an
opening
act,
y"know?
I
mean
it"s
like
the
stand-up
comedian
you
have
to
sit
through
before
Pink
Floyd
comes
out.
Ross:
Yeah,
and-and
it"s
not
that
we
don"t
like
the
comedian,
it"s
that-that...
that"s
not
why
we
bought
the
ticket.
Chandler:
The
problem
is,
though,
after
the
concert"s
over,
no
matter
how
great
the
show
was,
you
girls
are
always
looking
for
the
comedian
again,
y"know?
I
mean,
we"re
in
the
car,
we"re
fighting
traffic...
basically
just
trying
to
stay
awake.
Rachel:
Yeah,
well,
word
of
advice:
Bring
back
the
comedian.
Otherwise
next
time
you"re
gonna
find
yourself
sitting
at
home,
listening
to
that
album
alone.
Joey:
(pause)....Are
we
still
talking
about
sex?
Opening
Credits
[Scene:
Museum
of
Prehistoric
History,
Ross
and
a
co-worker
(Marsha)
are
setting
up
an
exhibit
which
includes
some
mannequins
of
cave
people.]
Ross:
No,
it"s
good,
it
is
good,
it"s
just
that-
mm-
doesn"t
she
seem
a
little
angry?
Marsha:
Well,
she
has
issues.
Ross:
Does
she？
Marsha:
He"s
out
banging
other
women
over
the
head
with
a
club,
while
she
sits
at
home
trying
to
get
the
mastodon
smell
out
of
the
carpet!
Ross:
Marsha,
these
are
cave
people.
Okay?
They
have
issues
like
"Gee,
that
glacier"s
getting
kinda
close."
See?
Marsha:
Speaking
of
issues,
isn"t
that
your
ex-wife?
(Carol,
Ross"s
ex-wife,
has
entered
behind
them
and
is
standing
outstide
the
exhibit.)
Ross:
(trying
to
ignore
her)
No.
No.
Marsha:
Yes,
it
is.
Carol!
Hi!
Ross:
Okay,
okay,
yes,
it
is.
(waves)
How
about
I"ll,
uh,
catch
up
with
you
in
the
Ice
Age.
(Marsha
extis
and
Ross
waves
Carol
into
the
exhibit.)
Ross:Hi.
Carol:
So.
Ross:
You
look
great.
I,
uh...
I
hate
that.
Carol:
Sorry.
You
look
good
too.
Ross:
Ah,
well,
in
here,
anyone
who...
stands
erect...
So
what"s
new?
Still,
uh...
Carol:
A
lesbian?
Ross:
Well...
you
never
know.
How"s,
um..
how"s
the
family?
Carol:
Marty"s
still
totally
paranoid.
Oh,
and,
uh-
Ross:
Why-
why
are
you
here,
Carol?
Carol:
I"m
pregnant.
Ross:
Pregnant?!
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel"s,
Chandler,
Joey,
Phoebe,
and
Monica
are
watching
Three"s
Company.]
Chandler:
Oh,
I
think
this
is
the
episode
of
Three"s
Company
where
there"s
some
kind
of
misunderstanding.
Phoebe:...Then
I"ve
already
seen
this
one!
(Turns
off
the
TV.)
Monica:
(taking
a
drink
from
Joey)
Are
you
through
with
that?
Joey:
Yeah,
sorry,
the
swallowing
slowed
me
down.
Monica:
Whose
little
ball
of
paper
is
this?!
Chandler:
Oh,
uh,
that
would
be
mine.
See,
I
wrote
a
note
to
myself,
and
then
I
realised
I
didn"t
need
it,
so
I
balled
it
up
and...
(sees
that
Monica
is
glaring
at
him)
...now
I
wish
I
was
dead.
(Monica
starts
to
fluff
a
pillow.)
Phoebe:
She"s
already
fluffed
that
pillow...
Monica,
you
know,
you"ve
already
fluffed
that-
(Monica
glares
at
her.)
-but,
it"s
fine!
Monica:
Look
,
I"m
sorry,
guys,
I
just
don"t
wanna
give
them
any
more
ammunition
than
they
already
have.
Chandler:
Yes,
and
we
all
know
how
cruel
a
parent
can
be
about
the
flatness
of
a
child"s
pillow.
Phoebe:
Monica-
Hi!
Um,
Monica,
you"re
scaring
me.
I
mean,
you"re
like,
you"re
like
all
chaotic
and
twirly.
And
not-not
in
a
good
way.
Joey:
Yeah,
calm
down.
You
don"t
see
Ross
getting
all
chaotic
and
twirly
every
time
they
come.
Monica:
That"s
because
as
far
as
my
parents
are
concerned,
Ross
can
do
no
wrong.
Y"see,
he"s
the
Prince.
Apparently
they
had
some
big
ceremony
before
I
was
born.
Chandler:
(looking
out
the
window)
Ew,
ew,
ew,
ew
ew
ew
ew
ew!
Monica:
What?
Chandler:
Ugly
Naked
Guy
got
a
Thighmaster!
All:
Eeaagh!
(Rachel
enters
from
her
room.)
Rachel:
Has
anybody
seen
my
engagement
ring?
Phoebe:
Yeah,
it"s
beautiful.
Rachel:
Oh
God,
oh
God,
oh
God
oh
God
oh
God
oh
God....
(Starts
to
look
under
the
couch
cushions.)
Phoebe:
No,
look,
don"t
touch
that!
Rachel:
Oh,
like
I
wasn"t
dreading
tomorrow
enough,
having
to
give
it
back
to
him...
"Hi
Barry!
Remember
me?
I"m
the
girl
in
the
veil
who
stomped
on
your
heart
in
front
of
your
entire
family!"
Oh
God
and
now
I"m
gonna
have
to
return
the
ring,
without
the
ring,
which
makes
it
so
much
harder...
Monica:
Easy
Rach,
we"ll
find
it.
(To
all)
Won"t
we!
Chandler
and
Joey:
Oh!
Yeah!
Joey:
Alright,
when"d"ya
have
it
on
last?
Phoebe:
Doy!
Probably
right
before
she
lost
it!
Chandler:
You
don"t
get
a
lot
of
"doy"
these
days...
Rachel:
I
know
I
had
it
this
morning,
and
I
know
I
had
it
when
I
was
in
the
kitchen
with...
Chandler:
...Dinah?
Rachel:
(looks
at
the
lasagne
and
realizes
something)
Ohhhhh,
don"t
be
mad...
Monica:
You
didn"t.
Rachel:
Oh,
I
am
sorry...
Monica:
I
gave
you
one
job!
(Starts
to
examin
the
lasagne
through
the
bottom
of
the
glass
pan.)
Rachel:
Oh,
but
look
how
straight
those
noodles
are!
Chandler:
Now,
Monica,
you
know
that"s
not
how
you
look
for
an
engagement
ring
in
a
lasagne...
Monica:
(puts
down
the
lasagne)
I
just...
can"t
do
it.
Chandler:
Boys?
We"re
going
in.
(Chandler,
Joey,
and
Phoebe
start
to
pick
through
the
lasagne
as
there"s
a
knock
on
the
door
which
Monica
answers.)
Ross:
(standing
outside
the
door).....Hi.
Monica:
Wow.
That
is
not
a
happy
hi.
Ross:
Carol"s
pregnant.
Phoebe:
(while
everyone
else
is
stunned)
Ooh!
I
found
it!
Monica:
W-w-wh-...
wha-...
w-w-w-...
Ross:
Yeah.
Do
that
for
another
two
hours,
you
might
be
where
I
am
right
about
now.
(He
enters.)
Chandler:
Kinda
puts
that
whole
pillow
thing
in
perspective,
huh,
Mon?
Rachel:
Well
now,
how-how
do
you
fit
into
this
whole
thing?
Ross:
Well,
Carol
says
she
and
Susan
want
me
to
be
involved,
but
if
I"m
not
comfortable
with
it,
I
don"t
have
to
be
involved
basically
it"s
entirely
up
to
me.
Phoebe:
She
is
so
great!
I
miss
her.
Monica:
What
does
she
mean
by
"involved"?
Chandler:
I
mean
presumably,
the
biggest
part
of
your
job
is
done.
Ross:
Anyway,
they
want
me
to
go
down
to
this-
sonogram
thing
with
them
tomorrow.
Rachel:
So
what
are
you
gonna
do?
Ross:
I
have
no
idea.
No
matter
what
I
do,
though,
I"m
still
gonna
be
a
father.
(Joey
starts
to
eat
the
rest
of
the
lasagne
and
everyone
turns
and
stares
at
him.)
Joey:
.....Well,
this
is
still
ruined,
right?
[Scene,
Monica
and
Rachel"s,
Monica
and
Ross
are
pouring
wine
for
their
parents.]
Mrs.
Geller:
Oh,
Martha
Ludwin"s
daughter
is
gonna
call
you.
(Tastes
a
snack)
Mmm!
What"s
that
curry
taste?
Monica:
Curry.
Mrs.
Geller:
Mmmm!
Ross:
I-
I
think
they"re
great!
I,
I
really
do.
Mr.
Geller:
(To
Ross)
Do
you
remember
the
Ludwins?
The
big
one
had
a
thing
for
you,
didn"t
she?
Mrs.
Geller:
They
all
had
a
thing
for
him.
Ross:
Aw,
Mom...
Monica:
I"m
sorry,
why
is
this
girl
going
to
call
me?
Mrs.
Geller:
Oh,
she
just
graduated,
and
she
wants
to
be
something
in
cooking,
or
food,
or....
I
don"t
know.
Anyway,
I
told
her
you
had
a
restaurant-
Monica:
No
Mom,
I
don"t
have
a
restaurant,
I
work
in
a
restaurant.
Mrs.
Geller:
Well,
they
don"t
have
to
know
that...
(She
starts
to
fluff
the
same
pillow
Monica
fluffed
multiple
times
earlier.)
Monica:
Ross,
could
you
come
and
help
me
with
the
spaghetti,
please?
Ross:
Yeah.
(They
go
to
the
kitchen.)
Mrs.
Geller:
Oh,
we"re
having
spaghetti!
That"s....
easy.
Monica:
I
know
this
is
going
to
sound
unbelievably
selfish,
but,
were
you
planning
on
bringing
up
the
whole
baby/lesbian
thing?
Because
I
think
it
might
take
some
of
the
heat
off
me.
[Time
Lapse,
everyone
is
now
eating.]
Mrs.
Geller:
What
that
Rachel
did
to
her
life....
We
ran
into
her
parents
at
the
club,
they
were
not
playing
very
well.
Mr.
Geller:
I"m
not
gonna
tell
you
what
they
spent
on
that
wedding...
but
forty
thousand
dollars
is
a
lot
of
money!Mrs.
Geller:
Well,
at
least
she
had
the
chance
to
leave
a
man
at
the
altar...
Monica:
What"s
that
supposed
to
mean?
Mrs.
Geller:
Nothing!
It"s
an
expression.
Monica:
No
it"s
not.
Mr.
Geller:
Don"t
listen
to
your
mother.
You"re
independent,
and
you
always
have
been!
Even
when
you
were
a
kid...
and
you
were
chubby,
and
you
had
no
friends,
you
were
just
fine!
And
you
would
read
alone
in
your
room,
and
your
puzzles...
[Time
Lapse.]
Mr.
Geller:
Look,
there
are
people
like
Ross
who
need
to
shoot
for
the
stars,
with
his
museum,
and
his
papers
getting
published.
Other
people
are
satisfied
with
staying
where
they
are-
I"m
telling
you,
these
are
the
people
who
never
get
cancer.
[Time
Lapse.]
Mr.
Geller:
...And
I
read
about
these
women
trying
to
have
it
all,
and
I
thank
God
"Our
Little
Harmonica"
doesn"t
seem
to
have
that
problem.
Monica:
(trying
desperately
to
change
the
subject)
So,
Ross,
what"s
going
on
with
you?
Any
stories?
(Digs
her
elbow
into
his
hand.)
No
news,
no
little
anecdotes
to
share
with
the
folks?
Ross:
(pulls
his
hand
away)
Okay!
Okay.
(To
his
parents)
Look,
I,
uh-
I
realise
you
guys
have
been
wondering
what
exactly
happened
between
Carol
and
me,
and,
so,
well,
here"s
the
deal.
Carol"s
a
lesbian.
She"s
living
with
a
woman
named
Susan.
She"s
pregnant
with
my
child,
and
she
and
Susan
are
going
to
raise
the
baby.
(Stunned
silence
ensues.)
Mrs.
Geller:
(To
Monica)
And
you
knew
about
this?!
Commercial
Break
[Scene:
Central
Park,
everyone"s
there.]
Joey:
Your
folks
are
really
that
bad,
huh?
Ross:
Well,
y"know,
these
people
are
pros.
They
know
what
they"re
doing,
they
take
their
time,
they
get
the
job
done.
Monica:
Boy,
I
know
they
say
you
can"t
change
your
parents,...
boy,
if
you
could-
(To
Ross)
-I"d
want
yours.
Ross:
Must
pee.
(Goes
to
pee.)
Phoebe:
Y"know,
it"s
even
worse
when
you"re
twins.
Rachel:
You"re
twins?
Phoebe:
Yeah.
We
don"t
speak.
She"s
like
this
high-powered,
driven
career
type.
Chandler:
What
does
she
do?
Phoebe:
She"s
a
waitress.
Rachel:
All
right,
you
guys,
I
kinda
gotta
clean
up
now.
(They
all
start
to
leave.)
Monica:
Chandler,
you"re
an
only
child,
right?
You
don"t
have
any
of
this.
Chandler:
Well,
no,
although
I
did
have
an
imaginary
friend,
who...
my
parents
actually
preferred.
Rachel:
The
lights,
please..
(Joey
turns
off
the
lights,
and
they
all
leave
as
Rachel
starts
to
clean
up.?
Ross
enters
from
the
bathroom.)
Ross:
...How
long
was
I
in
there?
Rachel:
I"m
just
cleaning
up.
Ross:
D"ya..
uh..
Do
you
need
any
help?
Rachel:
Uh..
okay,
sure!
Thanks!
(She
hands
him
the
broom
and
sits
down.)
Ross:
Anyway..
um..
(Starts
to
sweep.)
So,
you-
uh-
you
nervous
about
Barry
tomorrow?
Rachel:
Oh..
a
little..
Ross:
Mm-hmm..
Rachel:
A
lot.
Ross:
Mm.
Rachel:
So,
got
any
advice?
Y"know,
as
someone
who"s
recently
been-
dumped?
Ross:
Well,
you
may
wanna
steer
clear
of
the
word
"dumped".
Chances
are
he"s
gonna
be
this,
this
broken
shell
of
a
man,
y"know,
so
you
should
try
not
to
look
too
terrific,
I
know
it"ll
be
hard.
Or,
y"know,
uh,
hey!,
I"ll
go
down
there,
and
I"ll
give
Barry
back
his
ring,
and
you
can
go
with
Carol
and
Susan
to
the
OB/GYN...
Rachel:
Oh,
you"ve
got
Carol
tomorrow..
When
did
it
get
so
complicated?
Ross:
Got
me.
Rachel:
Remember
when
we
were
in
high
school
together?
Ross:
Yeah.
Rachel:
I
mean,
didn"t
you
think
you
were
just
gonna
meet
somone,
fall
in
love-
and
that"d
be
it?
(Ross
gazes
at
her.)
..Ross?
Ross:
Yes,
yes!
Rachel:
Oh!
Man,
I
never
thought
I"d
be
here..
(She
leans
back
onto
his
hand.)
Ross:
Me
either...
(He
pulls
up
a
stool
so
that
he
doesn"t
have
to
move
his
hand.)
[Scene:
Carol"s
OB/GYN,
Carol
is
waiting.]
Ross:
(entering)
Sorry
I"m
late,
I
was
stuck
at
work.
There
was
this
big
dinosaur..
thing..
anyway.
(Susan
enters
holding
a
drink.)
Susan:
Hi.
Carol:
Ross,
you
remember
Susan.
Ross:
How
could
I
forget?
Susan:
Ross.
Ross:
(they
shake
hands)
Hello,
Susan.
(To
Carol)
Good
shake.
Good
shake.
So,
uh,
we"re
just
waiting
for...?
Carol:
Dr.
Oberman.
Ross:
..Dr.
Oberman.
Okay.
And
is
he-
Susan:
She.
Ross:
-she,
of
course,
she-
uh-
familiar
with
our..
special
situation?
Carol:
Yes,
and
she"s
very
supportive.
Ross:
Okay,
that"s
great.
(Susan
gives
her
drink
to
Carol.)
No,
I"m-
Oh.?
Carol:
Thanks.
Ross:
(picks
up
a
surgical
instrament
and
mimes
a
duck
with
it)
Quack,
quack..
Carol:
Ross?
That
opens
my
cervix.
(He
drops
it
in
horror.)
[Scene
Barry"s
office,
Barry
is
working
on
patient,
Robbie,
as
Rachel
enters.]
Rachel:
Barry?
Barry:
Come
in.
Rachel:
(hesitates)
Are
you
sure?
Barry:
Yeah!
It"s
fine,
it"s
fine.
Robbie"s
gonna
be
here
for
hours.
Robbie:
Huh?!
Barry:
So,
how
ya
doin?
Rachel:
I"m-
uh-
I"m
okay...
You
look
great!
Barry:
Yeah,
well..
Bernice:
(over
intercom)
Dr.
Farber,
Jason
Greenstein"s
gagging.
Barry:
(answering
the
intercom)
Be
right
there.
(To
Robbie
and
Rachel)
Be
back
in
a
sec.
(As
Barry
exits
Robbie
stares
at
Rachel.)
Rachel:
I
dumped
him.
Robbie:
Okay.
[Scene:
Carol"s
OB/GYN,
they"re
talking
about
how
this
is
going
to
work.]
Ross:
So,
um-
so
how"s
this,
uh,
how"s
this
gonna
work?
Y"know,
with
us?
Y"know,
when,
like,
important
decisions
have
to
be
made?
Carol:
Give
me
a
"for
instance".
Ross:
Well,
uh,
uh,
I
don"t
know,
okay,
okay,
how
about
with
the,
uh,
with
the
baby"s
name?
Carol:
Marlon-
Ross:
Marlon?!
Carol:
-if
it"s
a
boy,
Minnie
if
it"s
a
girl.
Ross:
...As
in
Mouse?
Carol:
As
in
my
grandmother.
Ross:
Still,
you-
you
say
Minnie,
you
hear
Mouse.
Um,
how
about,
um..
how
about
Julia?
Carol:
Julia..
Susan:
We
agreed
on
Minnie.
Ross:
"S"funny,
um,
uh,
we
agreed
we"d
spend
the
rest
of
our
lives
together.
Things
change,
roll
with
the
punches.
I
believe
Julia"s
on
the
table..?
[Scene:
Barry"s
office,
Rachel
is
doing
her
makeup
in
the
mirror
on
Barry"s
lamp
as
Barry
enters.]
Barry:
Sorry
about
that.
So.
What
have
you
been
up
to?
Rachel:
Oh,
not
much.
I-I
got
a
job.
Barry:
Oh,
that"s
great.
Rachel:
Why
are-
why
are
you
so
tanned?
Barry:
Oh,
I,
uh-
I
went
to
Aruba.
Rachel:
Oh
no.
You
went
on
our
honeymoon
alone?
Barry:
No.
I
went
with,
uh..
Now,
this
may
hurt.
Robbie:
Me?!
Barry:
No!
(To
Rachel)
I
went
with
Mindy.Rachel:
Mindy?!
My
maid
of
honour,
Mindy?!
Barry:
Yeah,
well,
uh,
we"re
kind
of
a
thing
now.
Rachel:
Oh!
Well,
um..
(Grabs
his
forehand)
You"ve
got
plugs!
Barry:
Careful!
They
haven"t
quite
taken
yet.
Rachel:
And
you"ve
got
lenses!
But
you
hate
sticking
your
finger
in
your
eye!
Barry:
Not
for
her.
Listen,
I
really
wanted
to
thank
you.
Rachel:
Okay..
Barry:
See,
about
a
month
ago,
I
wanted
to
hurt
you.
More
than
I"ve
ever
wanted
to
hurt
anyone
in
my
life.
And
I"m
an
orthodontist.
Rachel:
Wow.
Barry:
You
know,
you
were
right?
I
mean,
I
thought
we
were
happy.
We
weren"t
happy.
But
with
Mindy,
now
I"m
happy.
Spit.Rachel:
What?
Robbie:
Me.
(Spits.)
Rachel:
Anyway,
um,
(Gets
the
ring
out
of
her
purse.)
I
guess
this
belongs
to
you.
And
thank
you
for
giving
it
to
me.
Barry:
Well,
thank
you
for
giving
it
back.
(Barry
and
Rachel
look
at
each
other.)
Robbie:
Hello?!
[Scene:
Carol"s
OB/GYN,
they"re
still
arguing
about
what
to
name
the
baby.]
Susan:
Oh,
please!
What"s
wrong
with
Helen?
Ross:
Helen
Geller?
I
don"t
think
so.
Carol:
Hello?
It"s
not
gonna
be
Helen
Geller.
Ross:
Thank
you!
Carol:
No,
I
mean
it"s
not
Geller.
Ross:
What,
it"s
gonna
be
Helen
Willick?
Carol:
No,
actually,
um,
we
talked
about
Helen
Willick-Bunch.
Ross:
Well,
wait
a
minute,
wha-
why
is
she
in
the
title?
Susan:
It"s
my
baby
too.
Ross:
Oh,
"s"funny,
really?
Um,
I
don"t
remember
you
making
any
sperm.
Susan:
Yeah,
and
we
all
know
what
a
challenge
that
is!
Carol:
All
right,
you
two,
stop
it!
Ross:
No
no
no,
she
gets
a
credit,
hey,
I"m
in
there
too.
Carol:
Ross.
You"re
not
actually
suggesting
Helen
Willick-Bunch-Geller?
"Cause
I
think
that
borders
on
child
abuse.
Ross:
Of
course
not,
I"m...
suggesting
Geller-Willick-Bunch.
Susan:
Oh,
no,
nonononono,
you
see
what
he"s
doing?
He
knows
no-one"s
gonna
say
all
those
names,
so
they"ll
wind
up
calling
her
Geller,
then
he
gets
his
way!Ross:
My
way?!
You-you
think
this
is
my
way?
Believe
me,
of
all
the
ways
I
ever
imagined
this
moment
in
my
life
being,
this
is
not
my
way-
y"know
what?
Uh,
um,
this
is
too
hard.
I"m
not,
I
can"t
do-
Dr.
Oberman:
(entering)
Knock
knock!How
are
we
today?
Any
nausea?
All:
Yeah.
Yeah.
A
little.
Dr.
Oberman:
Well,
I
was
just
wondering
about
the
mother-to-be,
but..
thanks
for
sharing.
(To
Carol)
Uh,
lie
back..
Ross:
You-
uh-
y"know
what,
I"m
gonna
go.
I
don"t-
I
don"t
think
I
can
be
involved
in
this
particular
thing
right
now.
(He
turns
to
go,
but
the
sound
of
the
sonogram
catches
hes
ear.?
He
returns
and
stares
at
it.)
Ross:
Oh
my
God.
Susan:
Look
at
that.
Carol:
I
know.
Closing
Credits
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel"s
apartment,
everyone
is
watching
the
tape
of
the
sonogram.
?
Rachel
is
on
the
phone.]
Ross:
Well?
Isn"t
that
amazing?
Joey:
What
are
we
supposed
to
be
seeing
here?
Chandler:
I
don’t
know,
but..
I
think
it"s
about
to
attack
the
Enterprise.
Phoebe:
You
know,
if
you
tilt
your
head
to
the
left,
and
relax
your
eyes,
it
kinda
looks
like
an
old
potato.
Ross:
Then
don"t
do
that,
alright?
Phoebe:
Okay!
Ross:
(walks
over
to
where
Monica
is
standing)
Monica.
What
do
you
think?
Monica:
(welling
up)
Mm-hmm.
Ross:
Wh-
are
you
welling
up?
Monica:
No.
Ross:
You
are,
you"re
welling
up.
Monica:
Am
not!
Ross:
You"re
gonna
be
an
aunt.
Monica:
(pushes
him
and
starts
to
cry)
Oh
shut
up!
Rachel:
(on
phone)
Hi,
Mindy.
Hi,
it-it"s
Rachel.
Yeah,
I"m
fine.
I-I
saw
Barry
today.
Oh,
yeah,
yeah
he-he
told
me.
No,
no,
it"s
okay.
I
hope
you
two
are
very
happy,
I
really
do.
Oh,
oh,
and
Mind,
y"know,
if-if
everything
works
out,
and
you
guys
end
up
getting
married
and
having
kids-
and
everything-
I
just
hope
they
have
his
old
hairline
and
your
old
nose.
(Slams
the
phone
down.)
(To
everyone)
Okay,
I
know
it
was
a
cheap
shot,
but
I
feel
so
much
better
now.
102
参加助产训练班
你们男生不懂亲吻对女生的重要性
没错，当真?
当真.
你想了解的一切全在初吻之中
没错
对我们而言亲吻就像是开场，就像佛洛伊飞船出场前，你得耐着性子先看完脱口秀
对，我们并非讨厌脱口秀，但那不是我们买票的原因
问题出在于演唱会结束后，不论表演有多精采，你们女生总还想再看脱口秀，我们在车上奋力杀出车阵，只是拼命让自己别睡着
是哦?给你一个建议。叫脱口秀主持人再度上场，否则下次，你们只能坐家里听唱片
我们还在谈论性吗?
不，这样很好，只是她看起来是不是有点生气吗?
她有麻烦事.
她有吗?
他在外头乱搞女人，而她却待家里，设法去除地毯上乳齿象的味道
玛莎，他们是穴居人，他们关心的问题是冰河愈来愈接近了，懂吗?
谈到问题,那不是你前妻吗?
我的?不是
是的,她是.嘿,你好
是的,我到冰河期找你
编剧：马卡克夫曼大卫克恩
你的气色好极了，我讨厌看到这样
抱歉，谢了
你的气色也很好，在这儿任何直立的人…，最近如何?还是…女同志?
问问无妨嘛，家庭生活如何?
玛蒂的疑心病还是很重
卡萝，为何来这儿?
我怀孕了
她似乎不急着离开，人和人，让人讨厌的就是有误会，他们之间有误会
我看过这一集
喝完没?
抱歉,吞下去的时间太慢
这是谁的小纸团?
我的，我写给自己一张便条，后来觉得自己不需要，于是将它揉成纸团，我不想活了
她已经拍松过那个枕头，摩妮卡，你已经拍过了枕头了?
抱歉，各位，我只是不想，让他们有藉题发挥的机会
没错，我们都知道，父母对孩子的枕头要求有多苛刻。
摩妮卡…，你吓到我了，你慌慌张张的，而且显得不是很好
冷静,你没见过每次他们来时，罗斯有慌张的样子
因为在我爸妈心目中，罗斯不可能犯错，他是个王子，显然，他们在我出生前有个大型仪式。
什么?
丑陋裸男有个”美腿器”
有人看见我的订婚戒指吗?
有，很漂亮。糟了?，．
嘿,不要动它们
明天就要还他戒指，我似乎还不够担心。巴瑞，记得我吗?，我是那个穿白纱，让你在亲友面前出糗的人，天啊，如今我必须还他戒指，戒指不见了，叫我如何面对他？
别急，我们会找到的，对不?
是呀,我们会的.
最后一次戴是在什么时候?
”孩仔”，大概是在遗失之前
这年头说”孩仔”的人不多
我今天早上还戴它，我在厨房戴着做…
面条？
别生气
对不起
我就让你做了这么一件事情
你看面条现在变得多直
摩妮卡，在千层面中找订婚戒指不是那样找
我办不到
我们很高兴做.
语气并不开心
卡萝怀孕了
我找到了
什,什,什么?
你再持续两小时，就会变成我这样
如此一来，枕头的事就可先拦在一旁?
你现在要怎么办?
卡萝说她和苏珊想让我加入，但是对这件事我不太感到舒服,我不想卷进去.一切由我做决定
她人好好，我真想念她
她所谓的”加入”代表什么?
我猜,你大部分的工作已经结束了
总之，她们要我和她们去做超音波检查
你打算怎么做?
我也不知道，不管我怎么做我还是孩子的爹
面已经被搅乱了，不是吗?
玛莎路金的女儿会打电话给你
怎么会有咖哩味?
因为有放咖哩
这东西很好吃，真的
你还记得路金一家人?他们的大女儿喜欢你，对不?
他们家的女儿都喜欢他
不要这样,妈妈
抱歉，她为何要打电话给我?
她刚毕业，想找份烹饪的工作吧，我告诉她你开了一家餐馆
不，妈，我没开餐馆，我在餐厅工作
他们不需要知道
罗斯，能帮我做义大利面吗?
我们吃义大利面呀?太简单了
我知道这样要求过于自私，你能不能和他们说一下小孩/女同性恋之类的事?因为这样可以让我喘口气
瑞秋到底怎么了?，我们在俱乐部遇见她父母，他们很不开心
我不想讲他们为此婚礼花了些什么，但是4万块不是个小数目?
至少她有机会把一个男人留在教堂里的圣坛
什么意思?
没什么，随便说说
不，不是的，别听你妈乱讲话，你一直都很独立，就连你小时候，胖嘟嘟的一个朋友也没有，你还是活得好好的，你会待在你房里看书玩拼图
而像罗斯这种人则追求卓越，博物馆，发表论文…，其他人则安于现状告诉你，这种人不会得癌症
我还知道，这些女人想拥有一切，幸好我们家的小摩妮卡似乎没有这种问题
罗斯，你呢?最近有什么新闻八卦之类可以和老爸老妈分享的
好吧，我知道你们想了解我和卡萝之间倒底怎么了，事情是这样的，卡萝是个女同志，她和一个名字苏珊的女人同居，她怀了我的孩子，并打算和苏珊共同抚养他
这些你全都知道?
你的状况真的很糟糕吗?
你要知道这些人十分专业,他们会躲在那里
再来个突然袭击
常言道：父母是无法交换的，如果可以，我要你的父母
我要去尿尿了
如果你是双胞胎，情况会更惨
你是双胞胎?
对,我们不往来。她是一心追求事业的人
她从事什么工作?
服务生
各位，我得打扫了
钱德，你是独子?你没有这些困扰?
没有。尽管我有个想像中的朋友，而我爸妈比较喜欢他
帮我关灯
我在里面多久了?
只是我要打扫了
需要帮忙吗?
好呀，谢了
明天要见巴瑞，紧张吗?
有一点
很紧张
有任何建言吗?就一个最近刚被甩的人而言,你应该避免用”甩”这个字眼,现在他可能痛不欲生,因此你不该显得艳光照人.我知道这一点很难做到.这样吧，我拿戒指还巴瑞,你陪卡萝及苏珊去做检查
你明天得见卡萝,此事何时变得这么复杂?
你可问倒我了
还记得我们在高中时代吗?
记得
你没想过自己会遇见心上人,谈恋爱,然后厮守终生吗?罗斯?
什么事?
没想到自己会沦落到这个地步
我也是
抱歉，我迟到了,我忙得无法脱身恐龙之类的事
罗斯，记得苏珊吗?
我怎能忘得了?
罗斯
苏珊,你好,她的手好有力,那么我们在等…
欧伯曼大夫
欧伯曼大夫他?，
她
她了解我们的特殊状况?
了解，而且她非常支持
这太好了,不,我只是.
谢了
罗斯，
那是用来打开我的子宫颈的
巴瑞
进来
没问题?
没问题,罗此得待在这儿好几个小时
最近好吗?
你的气色好极了
法大夫,杰森快没气了
马上到
我马上回来
我甩了他
哦.
我们该如何处理此事?比方说某些重大的决定
比如?
比方说孩子的名字
马龙
如果是个男孩马龙,如果是个女孩就叫米妮
和米奇的女友同名?
和我奶奶同名
不管怎样,听到这个还是想到老鼠.朱莉亚如何?
朱莉亚?
我们决定用米妮
真幽默我们曾决定共同生活一辈子,世事难料，兵来将挡.茱莉亚，就这么决定
抱歉,近来可好?
混得过去，我刚找到工作
这太好了
你为何晒得这么黑?
我到阿鲁巴了
你自己一个去渡蜜月?
不是,我和…
你也许会很不好受
我?
不.我和明蒂去了
我的伴娘明蒂?
对，我们是认真的
你去做植发了?
小心，还不固定
你何时配隐形眼镜的?你不是讨厌将手指放进眼睛吗?
还不是为了她.
我真的得感谢你
一个月前我想伤害你,我从未如此激动过,我是个整牙医师
你说得没错,我以为我们会过得很快乐,我们不快乐.但是和明蒂在一起,现在我很快乐.吐掉
什么?
是和我说
总之，这东西属于你的.谢谢你送我
谢谢你送还给我
拜托，海伦有什么不好?
海伦盖勒?不行
她不会叫海伦盖勒的
不，我是说她不姓盖勒
难道她叫海伦威利克
老实说,我们考虑用海伦威利克班奇
等等，为何有她的份?
因为她也是我的宝宝
是吗?我不记得女人也会制造精子
我们都知道那是个极大的挑战
够了，你们两个，别吵了
不，功劳全让她抢了.我也在场
罗斯，你该不会想用海伦威利克班奇盖勒吧?因为这有虐待儿童之嫌
当然没有,我想用盖勒威利克班奇
绝对不行,你看他，没人会叫她全名的.他知道别人只会叫她盖勒,这样他就得逞了
我得逞?你认为这样算我得逞?相信我，我没想到自己会沦落到这种地步,我是不得已的…
有人在吗?今天如何，想呕吐吗?
只是一点点
我只是问准妈妈,很感谢你们的分享.躺好
知道吗?我不加入,我认为此时自己无法淌人这浑水
我的天呀
看啊
我知道
很神奇吧
我们该看到什么?
我不知道,可能是攻击企业号(星舰迷航记)
如果你们把头稍微向左偏,两眼放轻松,它样子就像是一个颗老马铃薯
那么就不要那么干
摩妮卡，你认为呢?
你热泪盈眶?
才没那
我只是…
你有,你热泪盈眶
你就要成为阿姨了
闭嘴
明蒂，我是瑞秋.我很好，我今天和巴瑞见面了.不，他告诉我了,没关系，真的.对，他告诉我了,我诚心祝福你们幸福快乐.如果一切顺利，你们结婚生子,希望他们有他的发线和你的鼻子.
我知道这招很贱,但我感觉好棒
103
The
One
With
the
Thumb
103
The
One
With
the
Thumb
[Scene:
Central
Perk,
everyone
but
Phoebe
is
there.]
Phoebe:
(entering)
Hi
guys!
All:
Hey,
Pheebs!
Hi!
Ross:
Hey.
Oh,
oh,
how"d
it
go?
Phoebe:
Um,
not
so
good.
He
walked
me
to
the
subway
and
said
"We
should
do
this
again!"
All:
Ohh.
Ouch.
Rachel:
What?
He
said
"we
should
do
it
again",
that"s
good,
right?
Monica:
Uh,
no.
Loosely
translated
"We
should
do
this
again"
means
"You
will
never
see
me
naked".
Rachel:
Since
when?
Joey:
Since
always.
It"s
like
dating
language.
Y"know,
like
"It"s
not
you"
means
"It
is
you".
Chandler:
Or
"You"re
such
a
nice
guy"
means
"I"m
gonna
be
dating
leather-wearing
alcoholics
and
complaining
about
them
to
you".
Phoebe:
Or,
or,
y"know,
um,
"I
think
we
should
see
other
people"
means
"Ha,
ha,
I
already
am".
Rachel:
And
everybody
knows
this?
Joey:
Yeah.
Cushions
the
blow.
Chandler:
Yeah,
it"s
like
when
you"re
a
kid,
and
your
parents
put
your
dog
to
sleep,
and
they
tell
you
it
went
off
to
live
on
some
farm.
Ross:
That"s
funny,
that,
no,
because,
uh,
our
parents
actually
did,
uh,
send
our
dog
off
to
live
on
a
farm.
Monica:
Uh,
Ross.
Ross:
What?
Wh-
hello?
The
Millners"
farm
in
Connecticut?
The
Millners,
they
had
this
unbelievable
farm,
they
had
horses,
and,
and
rabbits
that
he
could
chase
and
it
was-
it
w-
.....Oh
my
God,
Chi
Chi!
Opening
Credits
[Scene:
Chandler
and
Joey"s,
Chandler
is
helping
Joey
rehearse
for
a
part.]
Chandler:
"So
how
does
it
feel
knowing
you"re
about
to
die?"
Joey:
"Warden,
in
five
minutes
my
pain
will
be
over.
But
you"ll
have
to
live
with
the
knowledge
that
you
sent
an
honest
man
to
die."
Chandler:
Hey,
that
was
really
good!
Joey:
Thanks!
Let"s
keep
going.
Chandler:
Okay.
"So.
Whaddya
want
from
me,
Damone,
huh?"
Joey:
"I
just
wanna
go
back
to
my
cell.
"Cause
in
my
cell,
I
can
smoke."
Chandler:
"Smoke
away."
(Joey
takes
out
a
pack
of
cigarettes
and
a
lighter.?
He
fumbles
and
drops
the
lighter.?
Then
he
lights
a
cigarett,
takes
a
drag,
and
coughs.)
Chandler:
I
think
this
is
probably
why
Damone
smokes
in
his
cell
alone.
Joey:
What?
Chandler:
Relax
your
hand!
(Joey
lets
his
wrist
go
limp.)
Chandler:
Not
so
much!
Joey:
Whoah!
Chandler:
Hey!
Joey:
Hey!
Chandler:
Alright,
now
try
taking
a
puff.
(Joey
tries
and
visibly
winces.)
Chandler:
Alright..
okay.
No.
Give
it
to
me.
Joey:
No
no
no,
I
am
not
giving
you
a
cigarette.
Chandler:
It"s
fine,
it"s
fine.
Look,
do
you
wanna
get
this
part,
or
not?
Here.
(Joey
reluctantly
gives
him
the
cigarette.)
Chandler:
Don"t
think
of
it
as
a
cigarette.
Think
of
it
as
the
thing
that"s
been
missing
from
your
hand.
When
you"re
holding
it,
you
feel
right.
You
feel
complete.
Joey:
Y"miss
it?
Chandler:
Nah,
not
so
much.
Alright,
now
we
smoke.
(Takes
a
puff.)
Oh..
my..
God.
(He
continues
to
smoke.)
[Scene,
Central
Perk,
everyone
except
Phoebe
and
Rachel
is
there.]
Monica:
No,
no,
no.
They
say
it"s
the
same
as
the
distance
from
the
tip
of
a
guy"s
thumb
to
the
tip
of
his
index
finger.
(The
guys
stretch
out
their
fingers.)
Joey:
That"s
ridiculous!
Ross:
Can
I
use..
either
thumb?
Rachel:
(carrying
a
tray
of
drinks)
Alright,
don"t
tell
me,
don"t
tell
me!
(Starts
handing
them
out.)
Decaf
cappucino
for
Joey..
Coffee
black..
Late..
And
an
iced
tea.
I"m
getting
pretty
good
at
this!
All:
Yeah.
Yeah,
excellent.
Rachel:
(leaving
to
serve
others)
Good
for
me!
(The
gang
swaps
all
the
drinks
for
what
they
ordered
as
Phoebe
enters.?
She
sits
down
without
saying
hi.)
Joey:
Y"okay,
Phoebe?
Phoebe:
Yeah-
no-
I"m
just-
it"s,
I
haven"t
worked-
It"s
my
bank.
Monica:
What
did
they
do
to
you?
Phoebe:
It"s
nothing,
it"s
just-
Okay.
I"m
going
through
my
mail,
and
I
open
up
their
monthly,
you
know,
STATEMENT-
Ross:
Easy.
Phoebe:
-
and
there"s
five
hundred
extra
dollars
in
my
account.
Chandler:
Oh,
Satan"s
minions
at
work
again...
Phoebe:
Yes,
"cause
now
I
have
to
go
down
there,
and
deal
with
them.
Joey:
What
are
you
talking
about?
Keep
it!
Phoebe:
It"s
not
mine,
I
didn"t
earn
it,
if
I
kept
it,
it
would
be
like
stealing.
Rachel:
Yeah,
but
if
you
spent
it,
it
would
be
like
shopping!
Phoebe:
Okay.
Okay,
let"s
say
I
bought
a
really
great
pair
of
shoes.
Do
you
know
what
I"d
hear,
with
every
step
I
took?
"Not-mine.
Not-mine.
Not-mine."
And
even
if
I
was
happy,
okay,
and,
and
skipping-
"Not-not-mine,
not-not-mine,
not-not-mine,
not-not-mine"...
Monica:
We"re
with
you.
We
got
it.
(Chandler
leans
over
the
back
of
the
couch
out
of
sight.)
Phoebe:
Okay.
I"d-
just-
I"d
never
be
able
to
enjoy
it.
It
would
be
like
this
giant
karmic
debt.
Rachel:
Chandler,
what
are
you
doing?
Monica:
(puling
him
up)
Hey.
Whaddya
doing?
(Chandler
tries
to
shrug
nonchalantly
but
eventually
he
has
to
exhale
a
mouthful
of
smoke.)
All:
Oh!
Oh,
God!
Ross:
What
is
this?!
Chandler:
I"m
smoking.
I"m
smoking,
I"m
smoking.
Phoebe:
Oh,
I
can"t
believe
you!
You"ve
been
so
good,
for
three
years!
Chandler:
And
this-
is
my
reward!
Ross:
Hold
on
a
second,
alright?
Just
think
about
what
you
went
through
the
last
time
you
quit.
Chandler:
Okay,
so
this
time
I
won"t
quit!
All:
Ohhh!
Put
it
out!
Chandler:
All
right!
I"m
putting
it
out,
I"m
putting
it
out.
(He
drops
it
in
Phoebe"s
coffee.)
Phoebe:
Oh,
no!
I-
I
can"t
drink
this
now!
Monica:
Alright.
I"m
gonna
go
change,
I"ve
got
a
date.
Rachel:
This
Alan
again?
How"s
it
goin"?
Monica:
"S"going
pretty
good,
y"know?
It"s
nice,
and,
we"re
having
fun.
Joey:
So
when
do
we
get
to
meet
the
guy?
Monica:
Let"s
see,
today"s
Monday...
Never.
All:
Oh,
come
on!
Come
on!
Monica:
No.
Not
after
what
happened
with
Steve.
Chandler:
What
are
you
talking
about?
We
love
Schhteve!
Schhteve
was
schhexy!..
Sorry.
Monica:
Look,
I
don"t
even
know
how
I
feel
about
him
yet.
Just
give
me
a
chance
to
figure
that
out.
Rachel:
Well,
then
can
we
meet
him?
Monica:
Nope.
Schhorry.
[Scene:
Iridium,
Monica
and
Paula
are
at
work.]
Monica:
I
mean,
why
should
I
let
them
meet
him?
I
mean,
I
bring
a
guy
home,
and
within
five
minutes
they"re
all
over
him.
I
mean,
they"re
like-
coyotes,
picking
off
the
weak
members
of
the
herd.
Paula:
Listen.
As
someone
who"s
seen
more
than
her
fair
share
of
bad
beef,
I"ll
tell
you:
that
is
not
such
a
terrible
thing.
I
mean,
they"re
your
friends,
they"re
just
looking
out
after
you.
Monica:
I
know.
I
just
wish
that
once,
I"d
bring
a
guy
home
that
they
actually
liked.
Paula:
Well,
you
do
realise
the
odds
of
that
happening
are
a
little
slimmer
if
they
never
get
to
meet
the
guy..
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel"s,
Chandler
is
smoking
out
on
the
balcony,
Phoebe
is
absent.]
Joey:
Let
it
go,
Ross.
Ross:
Yeah,
well,
you
didn"t
know
Chi
Chi.
Monica:
Do
you
all
promise?
All:
Yeah!
We
promise!
We"ll
be
good!
Monica:
(shouts
to
Chandler)
Chandler?
Do
you
promise
to
be
good?
(Chandler
makes
a
"Cross
my
heart"
sign.?
It
starts
to
rain
and
he
taps
on
the
window.)
Joey:
You
can
come
in,
but
your
filter-tipped
little
buddy
has
to
stay
outside!
(Chandler
sulkilty
picks
up
a
garbage
can
lid
and
uses
it
as
an
umbrella.)
(Phoebe
enters,
walks
to
the
couch,
sits
down,
and
begins
to
read
a
letter
without
saying
hi.)
Ross:
Hey,
Pheebs.
Phoebe:
"Dear
Ms.
Buffay.
Thank
you
for
calling
attention
to
our
error.
We
have
credited
your
account
with
five
hundred
dollars.
We"re
sorry
for
the
inconvenience,
and
hope
you"ll
accept
this-
(Searches
in
her
purse)
-football
phone
as
our
free
gift."
Do
you
believe
this?!
Now
I
have
a
thousand
dollars,
and
a
football
phone!
Rachel:
What
bank
is
this?
(The
intercom
buzzes.)
Monica:
Hey.
It"s
him.
(On
the
intercom)
Who
is
it?
Alan:
(on
the
intercom)
It"s
Alan.
Joey:
(shouting
to
Chandler)
Chandler!
He"s
here!
(Chandler
comes
in,
dripping
wet.)
Monica:
(to
all)
Okay,
please
be
good,
please.
Just
remember
how
much
you
all
like
me.
(She
opens
the
door
and
Alan
enters.)
Monica:
Hi.
Alan,
this
is
everybody.
Everybody,
this
is
Alan.
Alan:
Hi.
All:
Hi,
Alan.
Alan:
I"ve
heard
schho
much
about
all
you
guyschh!
(Everyone
laughs.)
[Time
lapse,
Alan
is
leaving.]
Monica:
(to
Alan)
Thanks.
I"ll
call
you
tomorrow.
(Alan
exits,
to
all)
Okay.
Okay,
let"s
let
the
Alan-bashing
begin.
Who"s
gonna
take
the
first
shot,
hmm?
(Silence.)
Monica:
C"mon!
Ross:
...I"ll
go.
Let"s
start
with
the
way
he
kept
picking
at-
no,
I"m
sorry,
I
can"t
do
this,
can"t
do
this.
We
loved
him.
All:
Loved
him!
Yeah!
He"s
great!
Monica:
Wait
a
minute!
We"re
talking
about
someone
that
I"m
going
out
with?
All:
Yeah!
Rachel:
And
did
you
notice...?
(She
spreads
her
thumb
and
index
finger.)
The
Guys:
(reluctantly)
Yeah.
Joey:
Know
what
was
great?
The
way
his
smile
was
kinda
crooked.
Phoebe:
Yes,
yes!
Like
the
man
in
the
shoe!
Ross:
...What
shoe?
Phoebe:
From
the
nursery
rhyme.
"There
was
a
crooked
man,
Who
had
a
crooked
smile,
Who
lived
in
a
shoe,
For
a...
while..."
(Dubious
pause.)
Ross:
...So
I
think
Alan
will
become
the
yardstick
against
which
all
future
boyfriends
will
be
measured.
Rachel:
What
future
boyfriends?
Nono,
I
th-
I
think
this
could
be,
y"know,
it.
Monica:
Really!
Chandler:
Oh,
yeah.
I"d
marry
him
just
for
his
David
Hasselhof
impression
alone.
You
know
I"m
gonna
be
doing
that
at
parties,
right?
(Does
the
impression)
Ross:
You
know
what
I
like
most
about
him,
though?
All:
What?
Ross:
The
way
he
makes
me
feel
about
myself.
All:
Yeah...
Commercial
Break
[Scene:
Central
Perk,
Monica
is
alone
as
Ross,
Rachel,
Chandler,
and
Joey
enter
dejectedly
in
softball
gear.]
Monica:
Hi..
how
was
the
game?
Ross:
Well..
All:
WE
WON!!
Thank
you!
Yes!
Monica:
Fantastic!
I
have
one
question:
How
is
that
possible?
Joey:
Alan.
Ross:
He
was
unbelievable.
He
was
like
that-that-that
Bugs
Bunny
cartoon
where
Bugs
is
playing
all
the
positions,
right,
but
instead
of
Bugs
it
was
first
base-Alan,
second
base-Alan,
third
base-...
Rachel:
I
mean,
it-it
was
like,
it
was
like
he
made
us
into
a
team.
Chandler:
Yep,
we
sure
showed
those
Hassidic
jewellers
a
thing
or
two
about
softball..
Monica:
Can
I
ask
you
guys
a
question?
D"you
ever
think
that
Alan
is
maybe..
sometimes..
Ross:
What?
Monica:
..I
dunno,
a
little
too
Alan?
Rachel:
Well,
no.
That"s
impossible.
You
can
never
be
too
Alan.
Ross:
Yeah,
it"s
his,
uh,
innate
Alan-ness
that-that-that
we
adore.
Chandler:
I
personally
could
have
a
gallon
of
Alan.
[Scene:
A
street,
Phoebe
walks
up
to
a
homeless
person
(Lizzie)
she
knows.]
Phoebe:
Hey,
Lizzie.
Lizzie:
Hey,
Weird
Girl.
Phoebe:
I
brought
you
alphabet
soup.
Lizzie:
Did
you
pick
out
the
vowels?
Phoebe:
Yes.
But
I
left
in
the
Ys.
"Cause,
y"know,
"sometimes
y".
Uh,
I
also
have
something
else
for
you.
(She
searches
in
her
purse.)
Lizzie:
Saltines?
Phoebe:
No,
but
would
you
like
a
thousand
dollars
and
a
football
phone?
Lizzie:
What?
(She
opens
the
envelope
Phoebe
has
given
her.)
Oh
my
God,
there"s
really
money
in
here.
Phoebe:
I
know.
Lizzie:
Weird
Girl,
what
are
you
doing?
Phoebe:
No,
I
want
you
to
have
it.
I
don"t
want
it.
Lizzie:
No,
no,
I
ha-I
have
to
give
you
something.
Phoebe:
Oh,
that"s
fine,
no.
Lizzie:
Would
you
like
my
tin-foil
hat?
Phoebe:
No.
"Cause
you
need
that.
No,
it"s
okay,
thanks.
Lizzie:
Please,
let
me
do
something.
Phoebe:
Okay,
alright,
you
buy
me
a
soda,
and
then
we"re
even.
Okay?
Lizzie:
Okay.
Phoebe:
Okay.
[Scene:
Chandler"s
office,
Chandler
looks
around,
opens
his
desk
drawer,
takes
a
puff
of
a
cigarette,
sprays
around
some
air
freshener,
and
takes
some
breath
spray.?
He
types
for
a
little
while,
opens
the
drawer
again,
and
takes
another
drag
of
the
cigarette.
?
While
not
paying
attention,
he
sprays
the
breath
spray
around
the
room,
takes
a
squirt
of
air
freshener
and
gags.]
[Scene:
A
Street,
Phoebe
and
Lizzie
are
at
a
hot
dog
vendor.]
Lizzie:
Keep
the
change.
(To
Phoebe)
Sure
you
don"t
wanna
pretzel?
Phoebe:
No,
I"m
fine.
Lizzie:
(leaves)
See
ya.
(Phoebe
opens
the
can
and
reacts.)
Phoebe:
Huh!
[Scene:
Central
Perk,
Phoebe
is
telling
everyone
about
her
discovery.]
Ross:
A
thumb?!
(Phoebe
nods.)
All:
Eww!
Phoebe:
I
know!
I
know,
I
opened
it
up
and
there
it
was,
just
floating
in
there,
like
this
tiny
little
hitch-hiker!
Chandler:
Well,
maybe
it"s
a
contest,
y"know?
Like,
collect
all
five?
Phoebe:
Does,
um,
anyone
wanna
see?
All:
Nooo!
(Chandler
lights
a
cigarette.)
All:
Oh,
hey,
don"t
do
that!
Cut
it
out!
Rachel:
It"s
worse
than
the
thumb!
Chandler:
Hey,
this
is
so
unfair!
Monica:
Oh,
why
is
it
unfair?
Chandler:
So
I
have
a
flaw!
Big
deal!
Like
Joey"s
constant
knuckle-cracking
isn"t
annoying?
And
Ross,
with
his
over-pronouncing
every
single
word?
And
Monica,
with
that
snort
when
she
laughs?
I
mean,
what
the
hell
is
that
thing?
...I
accept
all
those
flaws,
why
can"t
you
accept
me
for
this?
(An
awkward
silence
ensues.)
Joey:
...Does
the
knuckle-cracking
bother
everybody?
Rachel:
Well,
I-I
could
live
without
it.
Joey:
Well,
is
it,
like,
a
little
annoying,
or
is
it
like
when
Phoebe
chews
her
hair?
(Phoebe
spits
out
her
hair.)
Ross:
Oh,
now,
don"t
listen
to
him,
Pheebs,
I
think
it"s
endearing.
Joey:
Oh,
(Imitating
Ross)
"you
do,
do
you"?
(Monica
laughs
and
snorts.)
Ross:
You
know,
there"s
nothing
wrong
with
speaking
correctly.
Rachel:
"Indeed
there
isn"t"...
I
should
really
get
back
to
work.
Phoebe:
Yeah,
"cause
otherwise
someone
might
get
what
they
actually
ordered.
Rachel:
Ohh-ho-hooohhh.
The
hair
comes
out,
and
the
gloves
come
on.
(They
degenerate
into
bickering
and
Chandler
happily
starts
to
smoke,
undisturbed.)
[Scene:
Iridium,
Monica
and
Paula
are
working.]
Monica:
Did
you
ever
go
out
with
a
guy
your
friends
all
really
like?
Paula:
No.
Monica:
Okay..
Well,
I"m
going
out
with
a
guy
my
friends
all
really
like.
Paula:
Waitwait..
we
talking
about
the
coyotes
here?
All
right,
a
cow
got
through!
Monica:
Can
you
believe
it?
...Y"know
what?
I
just
don"t
feel
the
thing.
I
mean,
they
feel
the
thing,
I
don"t
feel
the
thing.
Paula:
Honey..
you
should
always
feel
the
thing.
Listen,
if
that"s
how
you
feel
about
the
guy,
Monica,
dump
him!
Monica:
I
know..
it"s
gonna
be
really
hard.
Paula:
Well,
he"s
a
big
boy,
he"ll
get
over
it.
Monica:
No,
he"ll
be
fine.
It"s
the
other
five
I"m
worried
about.
[Scene:
Cental
Perk,
Joey
and
Ross
are
persecuting
Chandler
about
his
smoking.]
Joey:
Do
you
have
any
respect
for
your
body?
Ross:
Don"t
you
realise
what
you"re-you"re
doing
to
yourself?
Chandler:
Hey,
y"know,
I
have
had
it
with
you
guys
and
your
cancer
and
your
emphysema
and
your
heart
disease.
The
bottom
line
is,
smoking
is
cool,
and
you
know
it.
Rachel:
(holding
the
phone
out
to
Chandler)
Chandler?
It"s
Alan,
he
wants
to
speak
to
you.
Chandler:
Really?
He
does?
(taking
the
phone)
Hey,
buddy,
what"s
up!
Oh,
she
told
you
about
that,
huh.
Well,
yeah,
I
have
one
now
and
then.
Well,
yeah,
now.
Well,
it"s
not
that
big-
..well,
that"s
true,..
Gee,
y"know,
no-one-
no-one"s
ever
put
it
like
that
before.
Well,
okay,
thanks!
(He
hands
the
phone
back
and
stubs
out
his
cigarette.)
Rachel:
(to
Ross,
who
has
wandered
up)
God,
he"s
good.
Ross:
If
only
he
were
a
woman.
Rachel:
Yeah.
(They
give
each
other
a
dubious
look.)
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel"s,
everyond
except
Monica
and
Joey
is
watching
Lambchop.]
Chandler:
Ooh,
Lambchop.
How
old
is
that
sock?
If
I
had
a
sock
on
my
hand
for
thirty
years
it"d
be
talking
too.
Ross:
Okay.
I
think
it"s
time
to
change
somebody"s
nicotine
patch.
(Does
so.)
Monica:
(entering)
Hey.
Where"s
Joey?
Chandler:
Joey
ate
my
last
stick
of
gum,
so
I
killed
him.
Do
you
think
that
was
wrong?
Rachel:
I
think
he"s
across
the
hall.
Monica:
Thanks.
(Goes
to
fetch
him.)
Ross:
(finishing
changing
Chandler"s
nicotine
patch)
There
y"go.
Chandler:
(deadpan)
Ooh,
I"m
alive
with
pleasure
now.
Ross:
Hey
Pheebs,
you
gonna
have
the
rest
of
that
Pop-Tart?..
Pheebs?
Phoebe:
Does
anyone
want
the
rest
of
this
Pop-Tart?
Ross:
Hey,
I
might!
Phoebe:
Sorry.
..Y"know,
those
stupid
soda
people
gave
me
seven
thousand
dollars
for
the
thumb.
All:
You"re
kidding.
Oh
my
God.
Phoebe:
And
on
my
way
over
here,
I
stepped
in
gum.
...What
is
up
with
the
universe?!
Joey:
(dragged
in
by
Monica,
he
has
just
gotten
out
of
the
shower)
What"s
going
on?
Monica:
Nothing.
I
just
think
it"s
nice
when
we"re
all
here
together.
Joey:
Even
nicer
when
everyone
gets
to
wear
their
underwear..
Rachel:
Uh,
Joey..
Joey:
Oh,
God!
(Hurriedly
closes
his
legs.)
Monica:
(turns
off
the
TV)
Okay..
All:
Oh!
That
was
Lambchop!
Monica:
Please,
guys,
we
have
to
talk.
Phoebe:
Wait,
wait,
I"m
getting
a
deja
vu...no,
I"m
not.
Monica:
Alright,
we
have
to
talk.
Phoebe:
There
it
is!
Monica:
Okay.
It"s-it"s
about
Alan.
There"s
something
that
you
should
know.
I
mean,
there"s
really
no
easy
way
to
say
this..
uh..
I"ve
decided
to
break
up
with
Alan.
(They
all
gasp
and
clutch
each
other.)
Ross:
Is
there
somebody
else?
Monica:
No,
nononono..
it"s
just..
things
change.
People
change.
Rachel:
We
didn"t
change..
Joey:
So
that"s
it?
It"s
over?
Just
like
that?
Phoebe:
You
know..
you
let
your
guard
down,
you
start
to
really
care
about
someone,
and
I
just-
I-
(starts
chewing
her
hair)
Monica:
Look,
I-
I
could
go
on
pretending-
Joey:
Okay!
Monica:
-but
that
wouldn"t
be
fair
to
me,
it
wouldn"t
be
fair
to
Alan-
It
wouldn"t
be
fair
to
you!
Ross:
Who-who
wants
fair?
Y"know,
I
just
want
things
back.
Y"know,
the
way
they
were.
Monica:
I"m
sorry..
Chandler:
(sarcastic)
Oh,
she"s
sorry!
I
feel
better!
Rachel:
(tearful)
I
just
can"t
believe
this!
I
mean,
with
the
holidays
coming
up-
I
wanted
him
to
meet
my
family-
Monica:
I"ll
meet
somone
else.
There"ll
be
other
Alans.
All:
Oh,
yeah!
Right!
Monica:
Are
you
guys
gonna
be
okay?
Ross:
Hey
hey,
we"ll
be
fine.
We"re
just
gonna
need
a
little
time.
Monica:
(dubious)
I
understand.
[Scene:
A
Restaurant,
Monica
is
breaking
the
news
to
Alan.]
Alan:
Wow.
Monica:
I"m,
I"m
really
sorry.
Alan:
Yeah,
I"m
sorry
too.
But,
I
gotta
tell
you,
I
am
a
little
relieved.
Monica:
Relieved?
Alan:
Yeah,
well,
I
had
a
great
time
with
you..
I
just
can"t
stand
your
friends.
Closing
Credits
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel"s,
everyone
is
mopping
around
and
eating
ice
cream.]
Rachel:
Remember
when
we
went
to
Central
Park
and
rented
boats?..
That
was
fun.
Ross:
Yeah.
He
could
row
like
a
viking.
Monica:
(entering)
Hi.
All:
Mmm.
Ross:
So
how"d
it
go?
Monica:
Oh,
y"know..
Phoebe:
Did
he
mention
us?
Monica:
He
said
he"s
really
gonna
miss
you
guys.
(dubious
look)
Ross:
You
had
a
rough
day,
huh..
c"mere.
(She
sits
down
and
Ross
strokes
her
forehead.)
Chandler:
...That"s
it.
I"m
getting
cigarettes.
All:
No
no
no!
Chandler:
(leaving)
I
don"t
care,
I
don"t
care!
Game"s
over!
I"m
weak!
I"ve
gotta
smoke!
I"ve
gotta
have
the
smoke!
Phoebe:
(shouting
as
he
leaves)
If
you
never
smoke
again
I"ll
give
you
seven
thousand
dollars!
Chandler:
(returns)
Yeah,
alright.
End
103
飞来横财
嗨,各位!
嘿,
菲比!
嗨!
嘿.
哦,哦,你的约会怎么样?
不是很好,他送我到地铁
然后说:"我们应该再来一次!"
哦,喔.
怎么啦?
他说要再来一次?那不是很好吗?
不，
他说我们应该再来一次
代表你将无法再见到裸体的我
什么时候这样子的?
一直都是这样,
这是约会用语.
就像...”问题不是出在你”
代表”就是你”
”你真好”代表
”我要和皮革族的酒徒约会
然后向你抱怨."
还有还有,”我们该试试别人”
代表”我已和别人约会了”
大家都懂?
对,这是善意的谎言
没错，
就像父母使小孩的狗安乐死时
他们会说
它跑到别人家农场去住了
真有意思
不过我爸妈是真的
把我们的狗送到别人农场去养了
呃,
罗斯
米纳家在康乃迪克州的农场
米纳家
他们家的农场好棒
有马还有可供追逐的兔子…
噢,我的天,芝芝
“知道自己不久人世有何感受?”
“华顿，
我的痛苦将在五分钟内消除
但你得承受
埋葬一个老实人的痛苦！”
嘿,表演得真好!
是吗?
谢了，咱们继续吧
好，“你要我怎么做，
迪默，嗯？”
我只想回到我的牢房内
因为这样
我才可以抽烟
你就在这里抽吧.
我想这就是迪默
自己一个在牢房里抽烟的原因
什么?
手放轻松,手腕自然点
别太过火
-哦!
嘿!
-嘿!
好,
吐口烟
给我来
不,我不能给你烟
无所谓的，
你到底想不想演这个角色?
好，别把它当成是支烟，把它当成
是你想念多时的东西
夹着它
你感到自在你感到满足
你很想它
没那么严重.
抽烟
噢,爽呀!
不,不是这样的.
他们说和拇指尖
到食指尖的距离一样
这太荒谬了
随便哪个姆指都行?
别告诉我…
无咖啡因卡布其诺
是乔依的
纯咖啡
拿铁
和冰茶
我进步神速
对,
对,
真好
我真行
菲此,你没事吧
我还好
只是太不值得了…
我的银行
他们对你怎么了?
我看我的信件时
看见他们的每月“通知”
别激动...
我的户头多了五百元
撤旦的奴才又开始活跃了
没错，因为我得到银行找他们处理
别傻了，留着自己用吧
这些钱不是我的
不是我赚来的
我留下来就如同偷窃
如果你拿来花就如同购物
好吧，就比方说我买了一双很棒的鞋
你们知道我每踏出一步
都会听到什么吗?
不是我的…
即使我再快乐再雀跃都会听到
不是我的…
我们知道你的意思了
我无法享受非份之财的乐趣
这就像是业报一样
钱德，你在干什么?
嘿，你在干什么?
噢,我的天!
这是什么?!
我在抽烟…
我真不敢相信你
你这三年来一直表现良好
这是我的奖励
等等，想想你戒烟后是怎么活过来的
所以这一次我不再戒了
熄掉…
好吧,我熄掉就是
拜托，我现在喝不了它了.
(难道待会可以-_-!)
我要去换衣服了
我有个约会
又是亚伦?
进展得如何?
进展的还不错.
我们在一起很开心
我们何时能见到他?
对啊!
今天是星期一…
永远别想…
哦,
来嘛!
不,不要再来像史提夫那次的事…
你在说什么?
我们都爱史...提夫
史...提夫很性...感
抱歉
我连自己对他有何感觉
都还不知道
给我一点时间想清楚
那么到时我们可以见他罗?
不行，抱歉
我为何要让他们见他?
我带他回去后五分钟
他们便蜂拥而上
他们就像郊狼一样
找弱者下手
不愉快的场面我见多了
告诉你
这并不是一件坏事
他们是你的朋友
他们只是关心你
我知道
我只希望带一个
他们真正喜欢的男人回家
你知道如果他们没见过他
机会就更渺茫
-不要这样子,罗斯,别再想了!
你又不认识芝芝.
你们都保证?
对，我们保证
我们会很乖的
钱德，你保证会很乖?
你可以进来了,
但你的滤嘴屁股朋友得呆在外面.
嘿,
菲比
亲爱的巴菲小姐
谢谢你提醒我们的错误
我们已将五百元存人你的户头
造成不便之处请多包涵
请接受此足球电话…
作为礼物
你们懂意思吗?
现在我多了一千元和一个足球电话
这是哪家银行?
他来了
是谁啊?
亚伦
钱德，他来了
拜托，别乱来
记得你们有多么爱我
嗨，亚伦，这是大家
各位，这是亚伦
嗨
嗨，亚伦
我对各位已如雷灌耳
谢谢，我明天再打电话给你
好了，开始攻击亚伦吧
谁先开始?
来呀
我来
我们从他一直...
…抱歉，我办不到...
我们爱他…他太棒了...
等等，我们谈的是我约会的对象吗?
是啊
你们都有注意到?
是啊...
知道他什么最棒吗?
他的微笑有点邪邪的
对，就像是鞋里的男人
什么鞋?
童谣里的
有个驼背的人有着扭曲的微笑
他住在鞋子里，一阵子
我想亚伦将成为日后男友被丈量的标准
什么日后男友?
不，我想他就是了
真的呀?
光凭他学海滩游侠的样子
我就想嫁给他了
”我要去参加派对”
知道我最喜欢他哪一点?
哪一点？
他改变我看待自己的方式
嗯...
嗯...
嗨！
比赛如何?
怎么说呢.
我们赢啦!
谢谢!
太棒啦!
太好了!
我有一个问题:
这怎么可能呢?
亚伦真是太不可思议了
他就像兔宝宝卡通里,
兔宝宝守每个位置
我们虽没有兔宝宝
但我们有一垒手亚伦、
二垒手亚伦、三垒手亚伦...
他使我们形成一个团队
对，我们让对手见识到什么叫垒球
没错
能问你们一个问题吗?
你是否曾感觉亚伦有时…
有时怎样?
我说不上来，有点太亚伦了?
不，不可能
他不可能太过于亚伦
没错我们欣赏的是亚伦的内在
我个人可以喝下一加仑的亚伦
嘿,露西
嘿,古怪女孩
我带字母汤来给你
你挑掉有母音吗?
但我把“Y”留下来了
因为有时你会用的上,
为什么(Why,音同Y)
我还带了其他东西给你
咸鱼吗?
不,
但你想要一千元和足球电话吗?
什么?
天啊，这里真的有钱
怪女孩，你在干什么?
我要给你，我不想要
不，我得拿点东西给你
不，不用了
你要我的锡箔纸帽帽吗?
不要，因为你需要它
不用了，谢谢
求你
让我表示我的谢意
好，这样吧
你请我喝汽水，我们就扯平了，好吗？
好吧
好吧
不用找了
谢谢你，莉兹
你真的不要椒盐卷饼?
不,不用了,谢谢
再见
一个拇指?!
我知道
我打开时
它就浮在里面
像个搭便车的
或者
这是一场竞赛
集满五个有奖?
你们想看看吗?
不,不,不...
嘿，嘿，别那样！
拜托！
这比拇指更坏！
嘿，这很不公平啊！
为何不公平?
好，我有个缺点，怎么了?
乔依常扳指关节就不惹人厌?
罗斯把每个音发得太清楚
摩妮卡大笑时的鼻音
搞什么嘛？！
我接受大家所有的缺点
为什么大家就不肯接受我的这个缺点呢?
扳指关节很惹人厌吗?
我觉得有点点烦
那声音只是一点点惹人厌...
还是像菲此咬她的头发一样惹人厌?
菲此，别介意
我觉得那样很可爱
哦，真的？是吗？
咬字清晰又不犯法
没错
我该回去工作了
没错，否则有人就会拿到他们真正点的东西了
哦...
全都发泄出来了
你曾和一个
你朋友都喜欢的男人约会吗?
没有
我在和一个
我朋友都喜欢的男人约会
我们在谈郊狼吗?
一头牛居然全身而退
你能相信吗?
你知道吗?
我毫无感觉...
他们有感觉...
而我却毫无感觉！
你应该要有感觉的啊！
听着，如果你对他没感觉
就把他甩了呀！
我知道，但很难
没错，但他是大人了，
他会熬过去的
不，他没事
我担心的
是其他五人
难道你不尊重你的身体吗?
你不知道你在残害你的身体?
我受够你们了
还有你们的癌症，肺气肿
和心脏病
至少抽烟很酷
这点你们也很清楚
钱德，亚伦找你
真的？他找我？
老兄，什么事?
她告诉你了?
对，我偶尔会犯烟瘾
对，现在
没那么糟
这倒是真的
天啊，没人这么说过
好的，谢谢
天啊，他真神
如果他是个女人那该有多好
是啊...
小羊排
那袜子到底有多旧了?
如果我手上戴着袜子三十年
它也会开始说话了
有人该换尼古丁贴片了
嘿，乔依在哪儿?
乔依吃了我的最后一片口香糖
所以我就把他杀了
你认为这样不对吗?
我想他在对面
好啦.
哦，我又重拾快乐的生活了
菲此，你还想吃那个吗？菲比？
谁想吃剩下的?
我要
抱歉
汽水公司那些笨蛋
给我七千元当姆指的补偿金
天啊！
七千元！
别闹了！
然后在来这的路上我又踩到口香糖了
这世界到底怎么了?
怎么啦?
没什么，只是觉得大伙儿在一起很温馨
如果大家都有穿内裤会更好
Joey,你那里...
天呀
好..
哦！那是小羊排！
好了,大家,我们必须得谈谈.
等等，我有似曾相识的感觉,
不,好像没有
好吧,我们需要谈谈.
瞧,来了
是有关亚伦的事
有件事应该让你们知道
真的很难启齿
我决定和亚伦分手
有第三者?
没有...
只是世事难料，人都会变
我们没变啊
就这样...就这样结束了？就这样了？
当你放下防御，真心对待一个人…
我可以继续伪装…
好啊！
不，这样对我不公平
对亚伦不公平
对你们大家也不公平
是吗?谁要公平?
我只想要回失去的，回到往日
我很抱歉
哦,她说抱歉,我感觉好多了
我真是不敢相信
假期就要来临了
我还想带他去见我的家人
我会找到新欢的，会有另一个亚伦
是呀,另一个.
你们不会有事吧?
嘿，嘿，我们会好起来的
我们只是需要一点时间
我了解
哇..
我真的很抱歉
我也很抱歉
但我也真的松了一口气.
松了一口气?
对，我和你在一起很开心
只是我受不了你朋友
记得我们到中央公园划船吗?
那真好玩
是啊，他划得就像维京人一样
嗨.
嘿.
情况如何?
嗯，你知道...
他有提到我们吗?
他说他会想念你们的
悲惨的一天?
你无法体会
来...
我受够了,我要抽烟
不行…
我管不了那么多了
我投降，我是懦夫，我要抽烟，我要抽烟！
如果你不再抽烟我就给你七千块
好吧,没问题.
104
The
One
With
George
Stephanopoulos
104
The
One
With
George
Stephanopoulos
[Scene:
Central
Perk,
everyone
is
there
except
Joey.]
Monica:
Alright.
Phoebe?
Phoebe:
Okay,
okay.
If
I
were
omnipotent
for
a
day,
I
would
want,
um,
world
peace,
no
more
hunger,
good
things
for
the
rain-forest...And
bigger
boobs!
Ross:
Yeah,
see..
you
took
mine.
Chandler,
what
about
you?
Chandler:
Uh,
if
I
were
omnipotent
for
a
day,
I"d..
make
myself
omnipotent
forever.
Rachel:
See,
there"s
always
one
guy.
(Mocking)
"If
I
had
a
wish,
I"d
wish
for
three
more
wishes."
(Joey
enters.)
All:
Hey
Joey.
Hi.
Hey,
buddy.
Monica:
Hey,
Joey,
what
would
you
do
if
you
were
omnipotent?
Joey:
Probably
kill
myself!
Monica:
..Excuse
me?
Joey:
Hey,
if
Little
Joey"s
dead,
then
I
got
no
reason
to
live!
Ross:
Joey,
uh-
OMnipotent.
Joey:
You
are?
Ross,
I"m
sorry..
Opening
Credits
[Scene:
Central
Perk,
Ross
and
Monica
are
watching
Phoebe
sleep.]
Monica:
How
does
she
do
that?
Ross:
I
cannot
sleep
in
a
public
place.
Monica:
Would
you
look
at
her?
She
is
so
peaceful.
Phoebe:
(waking
and
startling
them)
Oh!
What
what
what!
...Hi.
Ross:
It"s
okay,
y"know,
you
just
nodded
off
again.
Monica:
What"s
going
on
with
you?
Phoebe:
I
got
no
sleep
last
night!
Ross:
Why?
Phoebe:
My
grandmother
has
this
new
boyfriend,
and
they"re
both
kind
of
insecure
in
bed.
Oh,
and
deaf.
So
they"re
constantly,
like,
having
to
reassure
each
other
that
they"re
having
a
good
time.
You
have
no
idea
how
loud
they
are!
Monica:
Well,
if
you
want,
you
can
stay
with
Rachel
and
me
tonight.
Phoebe:
Thanks.
(Chandler
and
Joey
enter.?
Joey
is
counting
his
steps.)
Joey:
...Ninety-five,
ninety-six,
ninety-seven.
See,
I
told
you!
Less
than
a
hundred
steps
from
our
place
to
here.
Chandler:
You
got
waaaay
too
much
free
time.
Joey:
(to
Ross)
Hey!
Here"s
the
birthday
boy!
Ross,
check
it
out:
hockey
tickets,
Rangers-Penguins,
tonight
at
the
Garden,
and
we"re
taking
you.
Chandler:
Happy
birthday,
pal!
Joey:
We
love
you,
man.
(Kisses
Ross)
Ross:
Funny,
my
birthday
was
seven
months
ago.
Joey:
So?
Ross:
So,
I"m
guessing
you
had
an
extra
ticket
and
couldn"t
decide
which
one
of
you
got
to
bring
a
date?
Chandler:
Well,
aren"t
we
Mr.
"The
glass
is
half
empty."
Ross:
Oh
my
God,
oh-
is
today
the
twentieth,
October
twentieth?
Monica:
Oh,
I
was
hoping
you
wouldn"t
remember.
Ross:
Ohhh.
Joey:
What"s
wrong
with
the
twentieth?
Chandler:
Eleven
days
before
Halloween..
all
the
good
costumes
are
gone?
Ross:
Today"s
the
day
Carol
and
I
first..
consummated
our
physical
relationship.
(Joey
is
puzzled.)
Sex.
..You
know
what,
I-I"d
better
pass
on
the
game.
I
think
I"m
just
gonna
go
home
and
think
about
my
ex-wife
and
her
lesbian
lover.
Joey:
The
hell
with
hockey,
let"s
all
do
that!
Chandler:
(trying
to
stop
Ross
leaving)
C"mon,
Ross!
You,
me,
Joey,
ice,
guys"
night
out,
c"mon,
whaddya
say,
big
guy,
(Pretending
to
punch
him
in
the
stomach.)
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Ross:
What
are
you
doing?
Chandler:
(stops)
I
have
no
idea.
Joey:
C"mon,
Ross!
Ross:
Alright,
alright,
maybe
it"ll
take
my
mind
off
it.
Do
you
promise
to
buy
me
a
big
thumb
finger?
Chandler:
You
got
it.
(Rachel
runs
up
cluching
an
envelope.)
Rachel:
Look-look-look-look-look,
my
first
pay
check!
Look
at
the
window,
there"s
my
name!
Hi,
me!
Phoebe:
I
remember
the
day
I
got
my
first
pay
check.
There
was
a
cave
in
in
one
of
the
mines,
and
eight
people
were
killed.
Monica:
Wow,
you
worked
in
a
mine?
Phoebe:
I
worked
in
a
Dairy
Queen,
why?
Rachel:
God,
isn"t
this
exciting?
I
earned
this.
I
wiped
tables
for
it,
I
steamed
milk
for
it,
and
it
was
totally—(opens
envelope)—not
worth
it.
Who"s
FICA?
Why"s
he
getting
all
my
money?
I
mean,
what-
Chandler,
look
at
that.
Chandler:
(looking)
Oh,
this
is
not
that
bad.
Joey:
Oh,
you"re
fine,
yeah,
for
a
first
job.
Ross:
You
can
totally,
totally
live
on
this.
Monica:
Yeah,
yeah.
Ross:
Oh,
by
the
way,
great
service
tonight.
All:
Oh!
Yeah!
(They
all
get
their
wallets
out
and
give
generous
tips.)
Guys:
Hockey!
(They
go
to
leave
but
are
blocked
by
three
of
Rachel"s
friends,
Leslie,
Kiki,
and
Joanne.?
The
guys
pause
to
stare
at
them.)
Hockey!
Hockey.
(The
guys.)
Leslie:
(looking
around)
Rachel?
Rachel:
Oh
my
God!
(Rachel,
Leslie,
Kiki,
and
Joanne
all
scream
and
hug
each
other.
Monica:
(to
Phoebe)
I
swear
I"ve
seen
birds
do
this
on
Wild
Kingdom.
Rachel:
What
are
you
guys
doing
here?
Kiki:
Well,
we
were
in
the
city
shopping,
and
your
mom
said
you
work
here,
aaand
it"s
true!
Joanne:
Look
at
you
in
the
apron.
You
look
like
you"re
in
a
play.
Rachel:
(to
a
pregnant
Leslie)
Look
at
you,
you
are
so
big
I
can"t
believe
it!
Leslie:
I
know.
I
know!
I"m
a
duplex.
Rachel:
(to
Joanne)
So
what"s
going
on
with
you?
Joanne:
Well,
guess
who
my
dad"s
making
partner
in
his
firm?
(She
points
to
herself
and
they
all
scream
again.)
Kiki:
And
while
we"re
on
the
subject
of
news..
(She
holds
up
here
finger
to
show
off
her
engagement
ring
and
they
all
scream
again.)
Phoebe:
(to
Monica)
Look,
look,
I
have
elbows!
(They
scream.)
[Scene:
A
Street,
Chandler
and
Joey
are
kicking
a
can
to
each
other.]
Chandler:
...Poulet
passes
it
up
to
Leetch!
(Passes
it
to
Joey.)
Joey:
Leetch
spots
Messier
in
the
crease-
there"s
the
pass!
(He
kicks
it
to
Ross,
but
Ross
is
staring
into
a
shop
window.)
Chandler:
We"ll
take
a
brief
time
out
while
Messier
stops
to
look
at
some
women"s
shoes.
Ross:
Carol
was
wearing
boots
just
like
those
the
night
that
we-
we
first-
y"know.
Fact,
she,
uh-
she
never
took"em
off,
"cause
we-we-
(off
Chandler"s
look)
Sorry.
Sorry.
(They
walk
on.?
Chandler
and
Joey
start
to
talk
but
Ross
stops
and
whines.)
Joey:
What?
Ross:
Peach
pit.
Chandler:
Yes,
Bunny?
Ross:
(points)
Peach
pit.
That
night
we,
uh-
we
had-
Joey:
-Peaches?
Ross:
Actually,
nectarines,
but
basically...
Chandler:
(to
Joey)
Could"ve
been
a
peach.
Ross:
Then,
uh,
then
we
got
dressed,
and
I-I...
I
walked
her
to
the-
(looks
up,
realises,
and
points)
-the
bus
stop...
I"m
fine.
Joey:
Hey,
that
woman"s
got
an
ass
like
Carol"s!
(They
turn
to
stare
at
him.)
What?
Thought
we
were
trying
to
find
stuff.
[Scene:
Central
Perk,
Rachel,
Lesile,
Kiki,
and
Joanne
are
talking.]
Rachel:
So
c"mon,
you
guys,
tell
me
all
the
dirt!
Kiki:
Well,
the
biggest
news
is
still
you
dumping
Barry
at
the
altar!
Joanne:
Alright.
Let"s
talk
reality
for
a
second.
Rachel:
Okay.
Joanne:
When
are
you
coming
home?
Rachel:
What?
Guys,
I"m
not.
Joanne:
C"mon,
this
is
us.
Rachel:
I"m
not!
This
is
what
I"m
doing
now.
I"ve
got
this
job-
Kiki:
Waitressing?
Rachel:
Okay,
I"m
not
just
waitressing.
I"m..
I,
um...
I
write
the
specials
on
the
specials
board,
and,
uh...
and
I,
uh...
I
take
the
uh
dead
flowers
out
of
the
vase...
Oh,
and,
um,
sometimes
Artelle
lets
me
put
the
little
chocolate
blobbies
on
the
cookies.
Leslie:
Well.
Your
mom
didn"t
tell
us
about
the
blobbies.
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel"s,
Phoebe
and
Monica
are
in
pajamas
and
Monica
is
making
something
in
the
blender
as
Rachel
enters.]
Monica:
Hey,
Rach.
How
was
it
with
your
friends?
(She
and
Phoebe
scream.)
Okay!
How
would
you
like
some
Tiki
Death
Punch?
(She
pours
the
contents
of
the
blender
into
some
glasses.)
Rachel:
What"s
that?
Monica:
Weeeell,
it"s
rum,
and-
Rachel:
Okay.
(Grabs
the
blender
and
starts
to
drink.)
Monica:
We
thought
since
Phoebe
was
staying
over
tonight
we"d
have
kinda
like
a
slumber
party
thing.
We
got
some
trashy
magazines,
we
got
cookie
dough,
we
got
Twister...
(The
phone
rings
and
Monica
answers
it.)
Phoebe:
Ooh!
Ooh!
And
I
brought
Operation!
But,
um,
I
lost
the
tweezers,
so
we
can"t
operate.
But
we
can
prep
the
guy!
Monica:
Uh,
Rach,
it"s
the
Visa
card
people.
Rachel:
Oh,
God,
ask
them
what
they
want.
Monica:
(on
phone)
Could
you
please
tell
me
what
this
is
in
reference
to?
(Listens)
Yes,
hold
on.
(To
Rachel)
Um,
they
say
there"s
been
some
unusual
activity
on
your
account.
Rachel:
But
I
haven"t
used
my
card
in
weeks!
Monica:
That
is
the
unusual
activity.
Look,
they
just
wanna
see
if
you"re
okay.
Rachel:
They
wanna
know
if
I"m
okay.
Okay..
they
wanna
know
if
I"m
okay,
okay,
let"s
see.
Well,
let"s
see,
the
FICA
guys
took
all
my
money,
everyone
I
know
is
either
getting
married,
or
getting
promoted,
or
getting
pregnant,
and
I"m
getting
coffee!
And
it"s
not
even
for
me!
So
if
that
sounds
like
I"m
okay,
okay,
then
you
can
tell
them
I"m
okay,
okay?
Monica:
(pauses
then
on
the
phone)
Uh-
Rachel
has
left
the
building,
can
you
call
back?
Rachel:
Alright,
c"mon!
(Miserably)
Let"s
play
Twister!
[Scene:
Madison
Square
Garden,
the
guys
are
trying
to
find
their
seats.]
Ross:
(squeezing
past
people)
Sorry,
sorry...
Uh-oh.
Chandler:
What?
There
was
ice
there
that
night
with
Carol?
Plastic
seats?
Four
thousand
angry
Pittsburgh
fans?
Ross:
No,
actually
I
was
just
saying
it
looks
like
we"re
not
sitting
together.
But
now
you
mention
it,
there
was
ice
there
that
night...
It
was
the
first
frost...
Joey:
C"mon,
sit.
Just
sit
down,
sit.
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel"s,
they"re
all
hanging
out
in
the
living
room.]
Monica:
You
should
feel
great
about
yourself!
You"re
doing
this
amazing
independence
thing!
Rachel:
Monica,
what
is
so
amazing?
I
gave
up,
like,
everything.
And
for
what?
Phoebe:
You
are
just
like
Jack.
Rachel:
...Jack
from
downstairs?
Phoebe:
No,
Jack
and
the
Beanstalk.
Monica:
Ah,
the
other
Jack.
Phoebe:
Yeah,
right!
See,
he
gave
up
something,
but
then
he
got
those
magic
beans.
And
then
he
woke
up,
and
there
was
this,
this
big
plant
outside
his
window,
full
of
possibilities
and
stuff..
And
he
lived
in
a
village,
and
you
live
in
the
Village..
Rachel:
Okay,
but
Pheebs,
Pheebs,
Jack
gave
up
a
cow,
I
gave
up
an
orthodontist.
Okay,
I-I-I
know,
I
know
I
didn"t
love
him-
Phoebe:
Oh,
see,
Jack
did
love
the
cow.
Rachel:
But
see,
it
was
a
plan.
Y"know,
it
was
clear.
It
was
figured
out,
and
now
everything"s
just
kinda
like...
Phoebe:
Floopy?
Rachel:
Yeah.
Monica:
So
what,
you"re
not
the
only
one.
I
mean,
half
the
time
we
don"t
know
where
we"re
going.
You"ve
just
gotta
figure
at
some
point
it"s
all
gonna
come
together,
and
it"s
just
gonna
be...
un-floopy.
Phoebe:
Oh,
like
that"s
a
word.
Rachel:
Okay,
but
Monica,
what
if-
what
if
it
doesn"t
come
together?
Monica:
...Pheebs?
Phoebe:
Oh,
well...
"cause....
you
just...
I
don"t
like
this
question.
Rachel:
Okay,
see,
see,
you
guys,
what
if
we
don"t
get
magic
beans?
I
mean,
what
if
all
we"ve
got
are..
beans?
[Scene:
Madison
Square
Garden,
the
guys
are
watching
the
game.]
Ross:
Get
him!
GET
HIM!
Get
him!
Get-
YESSS!
Not
laughing
now,
are
ya
pal!
Chandler:
(to
Ross)
See
buddy,
that"s
all
you
need,
a
bunch
of
toothless
guys
hitting
each
other
with
sticks.
Ross:
Pass
it!
Pass
it!
Chandler:
He"s
open!
All:
Shoot!
Shoot!
Shoot!
(The
player
shoots
and
the
puck
flies
off
the
rink
and
hits
Ross
in
the
face.?
Chandler
looks
concered
until
he
notices...)
Chandler:
Hey,
look,
we"re
on
that
TV
thing!
(Chandler
and
Joey
hold
the
puck
and
wave
at
the
TV
thing.)
Commercial
Break
[Scene:
An
Emergency
Room,
Chandler
and
Joey
are
leading
Ross
in.]
Chandler:
(to
the
receptionist)"Scuse
me.
Receptionist:
(holds
up
her
hand—she
is
on
the
phone)
It
says
to
call
this
number
if
you"re
not
completely
satisfied
with
this
candy
bar.
Well,
I"m
not
completely
satisfied.
Chandler:
Listen,
it"s
kind
of
an
emergency.
Well,
I
guess
you
know
that,
or
we"d
be
in
the
predicament
room.
(The
receptionist
glares
at
him.)
Receptionist:
(on
phone)
Hold
on.
(To
Chandler)
Fill
these
out,
sit
over
there.
(Tosses
him
some
forms.)
Ross:
(jumping
to
his
feet)
Look,
I
don"t
wanna
make
any
trouble,
okay,
but
I"m
in
a
lot
of
pain
here,
alright?
My
face
is
dented.
Receptionist:
Well,
you"ll
have
to
wait
your
turn.
Joey:
Well,
how
long
do
you
think
it"ll
be?
Receptionist:
(sarcastic)
Any
minute
now.
Ross:
Hey,
this-
(she
gives
him
a
look
and
the
guys
back
off)
Heyy...
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel"s,
the
slumber
party
continues.]
Rachel:
I"m
so
sorry,
you
guys.
I
didn"t
mean
to
bring
you
down.
Monica:
No,
you
were
right.
I
don"t
have
a
plan.
(There"s
a
knock
on
the
door.)
Pizza
Guy:
(yelling
from
outside)
Pizza
guy!
Rachel:
Thank
God.
Food.
(She
goes
to
answer
the
door.)
Monica:
Phoebe?
Phoebe:
What?
Monica:
Do
you
have
a
plan?
Phoebe:
I
don"t
even
have
a
"pl".
Pizza
Guy:
Hi,
one,
uh,
mushroom,
green
pepper
and
onion?
Rachel:
(miserably)
No,
no,
that"s
not
what
we
ordered...
We
ordered
a
fat-free
crust
with
extra
cheese.
Pizza
Guy:
Wait,
you"re
not
"G.Stephanopoulos?"
Man,
my
dad"s
gonna
kill
me!
Monica:
(leaping
off
of
the
couch
and
runs
up)
Wait!
Did
you
say
"G.Stephanopoulos?"
Pizza
Guy:
Yeah.
This
one
goes
across
the
street,
I
must
have
given
him
yours.
Oh,
bonehead,
bonehead!
Monica:
Wait,
was
this
a-a
small
mediterranean
guy
with
curiously
intelligent
good
looks?
Pizza
Guy:
Yeah,
that
sounds
about
right.
Monica:
Was
he
wearing
a
stunning
blue
suit?
Phoebe:
And-and
a
power
tie?
Pizza
Guy:
No,
pretty
much
just
a
towel.
Monica:
(staggered)
Oh
God.
Pizza
Guy:
So
you
guys
want
me
to
take
this
back?
Monica:
Are
you
nuts?!
We"ve
got
George
Stephanopoulos"
pizza!
(Rachel
pays
him,
Monica
grabs
some
binoculars,
and
runs
to
the
window.)
Rachel:
Uh,
Pheebs?
Who"s
George
Snuffalopagus?
Phoebe:
Big
Bird"s
friend.
Monica:
I
see
pizza!
Phoebe:
Oh,
I
wanna
see!
Lemme
see!
Lemme
see!
(She
runs
up
and
takes
the
binoculars.)
Rachel:
Hello?
Who
are
we
spying
on?
Monica:
White
House
adviser?
Clinton"s
campaign
guy?
The
one
with
the
great
hair,
sexy
smile,
really
cute
butt?
Rachel:
Oh,
him,
the
little
guy?
Oh,
I
love
him!
Phoebe:
Ooh,
wait..
wait,
I
see
a
woman.
Monica:
Please
tell
me
it"s
his
mother.
Phoebe:
Definitely
not
his
mother.
Monica:
Oh,
no...
Phoebe:
Oh,
wait,
she"s
walking
across
the
floor..
she"s
walking..
she"s
walking..
she"s
going
for
the
pizza-
(Yelling)
Hey,
that"s
not
for
you,
bitch!
(Phoebe
covers
her
mouth
with
her
hand
walks
away
from
the
window.)
[Scene:
The
Emergency
Room,
Joey
is
miming
hockey
pucks
kitting
foreheads.?
Chandler
realises
it"s
getting
tense
and
goes
to
the
receptionist
again.]
Chandler:
Excuse
me,
look,
we"ve
been
here
for
over
an
hour,
and
a
lot
of
people
less
sick
than
my
friend
have
gone
in.
I
mean,
that
guy
with
the
toe
thing?
Who"s
he
sleeping
with?
(She
slides
the
gladd
panel
over
and
Chandler
talks
through
it
in
a
loud
voice.)
Oh,
c"mon
Dora,
don"t
be
mad...
I
know
we
both
said
some
things
we
didn"t
mean,
but
that
doesn"t
mean
we
still
don"t
love
each
other.
(To
the
waiting
room.)
Y"know,
I
feel
like
I"ve
lost
her..
(She
slides
the
panel
back,
he
turns,
and
it
takes
him
by
surprise.)
Ba-!
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel"s,
the
girls
are
all
out
on
the
balcony.]
Monica:
Light
still
out?
Rachel:
Yeah.
Monica:
Oh.
Maybe
they"re-
napping.
Rachel:
Oh
please,
they"re
having
sex.
Monica
and
Phoebe:
Shut
up!
Rachel:
So,
whaddya
think
George
is
like?
Monica:
I
think
he"s
shy.
Phoebe:
Yeah?
Monica:
Yeah.
I
think
you
have
to
draw
him
out.
And
then-
when
you
do-
he"s
a
preppy
animal.
[Scene:
The
Emergency
Room,
Ross
is
still
going
on
about
his
first
night
with
Carol.]
Ross:
I
remember
the
moonlight
coming
through
the
window-
and
her
face
had
the
most
incredible
glow.
Chandler:
Yes,
the
moon,
the
glow,
the
magical
feeling,
you
did
this
part-
Could
I
get
some
painkillers
over
here,
please?
Joey:
He"s
right,
enough,
already.
What
is
the
big
deal
about
today?
So
you
slept
with
her
for
the
first
time,
so
what?
You
slept
with
her
for
seven
years
after
that.
Ross:
Look,
it"s
just
a
little
more
complicated...
Chandler:
Well,
what?
What?
What
is
it?
That
she
left
you?
That
she
likes
women?
That
she
left
you
for
another
woman
that
likes
women?
Ross:
Little
louder,
okay,
I
think
there"s
a
man
on
the
twelfth
floor
in
a
coma
that
didn"t
quite
hear
you...
Chandler:
Then
what?
Ross:
My
first
time
with
Carol
was...
(He
mumbles
the
last
part)
Joey:
What?
Ross:
It
was
my
first
time.
Joey:
With
Carol?
(Ross
gives
him
a
look.)
Oh.
Chandler:
So
in
your
whole
life,
you"ve
only
been
with
one—(He
gets
a
look
too)—oh.
Joey:
Whoah,
boy,
hockey
was
a
big
mistake!
There
was
a
whole
bunch
of
stuff
we
could"ve
done
tonight!
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel"s,
the
girls
are
still
out
on
the
balcony.]
Monica:
Okay.
Okay,
I
got
one.
Do
you
remember
that
vegetarian
pate
that
I
made
that
you
loved
so
much?
Phoebe:
Uh-huh.
Monica:
Well,
unless
goose
is
a
vegetable...ha
haaaah!
Phoebe:
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Okay,
fine,
fine.
Now
I
don"t
feel
so
bad
about
sleeping
with
Jason
Hurley.
Monica:
What?!
You
slept
with
Jason?
Phoebe:
You"d
already
broken
up.
Rachel:
How
long?
Phoebe:
A
couple
hours.
Monica:
Oh,
that"s
nice!
Rachel:
Okay,
okay,
okay,
I
got
one!
(She
sits
up
and
the
cushion
she
was
leaning
against
falls
off
of
the
balcony.)
Anyway-
The
valentine
Tommy
Rollerson
left
in
your
locker
was
really
from
me.
Monica:
Excuse
me?!
Rachel:
Hello?
Like
he
was
really
gonna
send
you
one?
(To
Phoebe)
She
was
a
big
girl.
Monica:
Really.
Well,
at
least
"big
girls"
don"t
pee
in
their
pants
in
seventh
grade!
Rachel:
I
was
laughing!
You
made
me
laugh!
(Monica
and
Rachel
start
to
squabble)
Phoebe:
There
he
is!
There
he
is!
Monica:
Where?
Phoebe:
Right-
where
we"ve
been
looking
all
night!
Rachel:
He
is
so
cute!
Monica:
Oh,
George,
baby,
drop
the
towel!
All:
Yeah,
drop
it!
Drop
the
towel!
Please
drop
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